In the weather today,

They are going to have scattered showers and a high of 82 and a low of 61 in Boston this weekend.

no shorts at night.

And I imagine it will be cold at the racetrack in Loudon, NH

Scrolling headline

on the bottom of the screen. You know what I mean. On ESPN they show the scores of the baseball games. Since I am a sports fan, I am usually thankful for it. Because I have the Marlins, but I don't always get the Red Sox so it helps me to know their score. Or other pertinent sports information that I shouldn't have to wait until 11p Sportscenter to find out about.

Except when I am *watching* the Red Sox on ESPN. Then that scroll bar becomes redundant and extremely annoying. I mean, how many times do I have to read about Shaq going off on a mic in a club about Kobe.  Really, it's been how long, get over it dude.

And ESPN, that *really* isn't breaking news.

Americans annoyed by coworkers

A Good Morning America video clip said that a study was out that most Americans, they gave some random percentage, are annoyed by their coworkers and more specifically the catch phrases that they use.  Gee, ya think?

See, and here I thought that "Catch Phrases" was a requirement at Business School.

Finally admitted my OCD

Like you think it's a bad thing.

But, I have admitted my OCDness and embraced it. Yes, my CD collection is alphabetized. I have my shoes in their boxes and stacked by color in my closet. And I wear my clothes in order so as to not repeat that often.

I also have separate sections based on type of clothing etc. My bras are categorized by style. I also have my baseball caps, all 50+ of them, stacked and organized by color.  

as are my handbags.....i am ok with all of this.

So stop messing up my towel closet, kids.

Kimmie, I miss you.

I miss having you to talk to.  I see your daughter and talk to her and I want to talk to you about it. She and Anthony are getting to be so close, but that doesn't surprise me. I mean, they always have been. It isn't easy, but I feel like maybe I am helping her.

I wish I could talk to you about it. I wish that I had you here to bitch to about my job, my boyfriend, my inability to get off my ass and get some exercise.  I want to talk to you about Sex and the City and when oh when will we find our big.  I don't like being by myself in the middle.   And who do I have to talk to about Grey's.  Who can push me, spur me, tell me to keep on doing everything that I want to do. Tell me that I can be a lawyer. Tell me to finish my Bachelor's. 

I will do that. I will do that in your honor.

It seems like such a long time ago.  SO many things and times I didn't get to spend with you. The little things always seemed to take precedent and now, I can't even remember why I didn't drive up more often.

You never got to see my dog. She is so cute. You would have loved her.  Shyanne talks to you. Can you hear her?? She thinks you can, she actually has conversations with you.

My mom is having a hard time. I wish you could tell her you are ok. 

I know you want us to go on. And we are, life is funny that way. It's not like we get a choice. The sun comes up and sets everyday.  Whether we want it to or not.  I miss you.  And I promise, I will.  

Denali Commercial

seriously, does this guy annoy anyone else??

Because he annoys the shit out of me.

Can Alzheimers strike at 39

I have the best ideas for blogs when I am sitting in my car.  And of course there isn't time that I can write it all out. And then by the time I get home, yea, the thoughts are gone.  Of course, it doesn't help that I have the the two teenagers making a mess in the kitchen. Or God forbid that they fold the fucking laundry that has been in my hallway for 2 weeks now. And no, I do enough shit, it theirs, it can rot for all I care.

maybe it's the songs i listen to in the car. Or maybe its just that I have time to let my mind wander. In any event, that is when i have a lot of good ideas.

Or maybe they aren't good ideas and I just think that they are and I don't have any opportunity to write them down to see that they really suck.

And the laundry is still in the hallway. 

Sports and guys

Apparently there really are guys out there who don't know shit about sports. And why do I find them so intolerable.

HIM: So you going to catch a Red Sox game Stanley Park when you go to Boston or is baseball season.

ME  (thinking): First of all moron, it's Fenway Park, not even close to stanley and secondly....uh, baseball season is a SUMMER SPORT....the boys of the summer, why would it be over in June. 

ME: uh, no, it's Fenway, and baseball is just getting good.

Seriously, this annoys me. 

Fucking Red Sox

That is all.

The opposite sex

I don't think women and men will ever begin to totally understand each other. Oh, we try, do we ever. But the reality is that it seems we are always on cross roads.  I have read many books on the topic and see a shrink in an attempt to be as level headed as I possibly can when it comes to relationships and men.

But, for ever three steps forward I take, I always inevitably take one back.  I guess it's like weight loss as long as the trend is consistently downward and in the right direction I should be happy.

Eh......or maybe it is just too early to be philosophical about it. 

I am joining...

Jodie's I hate the show Jon and Kate plus 8 or whatever the fuck that show is.

Seriously, they have to do a marathon on it.  I mean, I know that I blog about what some people would perceive as random topics and I know I am not a celebrity, but seriously, I don't get paid to do this. This is my hobby.  I cannot believe they follow these people around with a camera.

Give me a camera when I go to Boston, that'll be one heck of a show!!

Maybe we are all aren't meant to be with someone.

Love.  Books are written. Shows. Heck Sex and the City, while not having the word Love in it's title, is really what the show is all about.

Oh, yea, there was tons of hot monkey sex. And it wasn't always good, remember Samantha with the guy with the little dick. You know, the one she waited to have sex with and she really cared for him.  Yea, that wasn't great sex, but there was lots of great sex.

But love, well love is fleeting and steadfast. At least in SATC and for Carrie. A contradiction in terms if ever I heard one. 

We are told as little girls, that we will meet our prince charming. Well, at least my generation was. I DON'T tell my daughter that.  My poor daughter has had a piss poor example of relationships.  Except the one she has with me. That is also steadfast.

But relationships with men.  I wait for my prince charming, or at least I used to.  When I met current DBF, I was totally NOT looking for him, or honestly even bothered by the fact that I hadn't had a boyfriend, not to mention sex, in months. Plural.  It was ok.  But then when we met, I thought, oh, we are both older now, so maybe...and I fell back into those old dependent behaviors.  But why? Why? Because I want and was looking for Prince Charming. And he fit the bill. I learned from all of my past relationship endeavors, failures sounds so negative.  I learned what I wanted, and I had this list. This all encompassing list that I was convinced, would never be filled.  I never imagined I would find someone who even met have of my requirements. Because the list was lengthy.  There really is a list. No, I won't post it now. Maybe later. It really deserves it's own blog.

So here I was, with Mr Prince Charming, 2008 and lo and behold, guess what. He really isn't. But is or was I fair in labeling him as such. I could go on and on about why I thought he was my Prince. But that is really irrelevant. What is relevant is that I forgot about me. That seems to be my dilemma. In order to find someone, you have to be yourself.  I like who I am, but how do I stay me when it's us?

I don't think that Prince Charming knows that answer either. Honestly, I have no clue what Prince Charming wants or doesn't want. It changes on a daily basis. Or maybe he doesn't and it's my tolerance level that changes. 

I remember at one point in SATC, saying, Big is "telling" Carrie what he wants and doesn't want, she just isn't listening. And so, I wonder, am I not listening. Or is it just not being said clearly. Or was I right when I first wrote, maybe there isn't someone for everyone.

We always hear, the following typical and tired cliches:

you will find him when it's right

...when you aren't looking

what is meant to be will be, he will come back to you, there is someone better for you...

What if what is meant to be, isn't anyone at all?  What if there isn't someone for everyone?  As it turns out there isn't and wasn't a "someone" for my sister.  I am ok, if that is the case.

Really.  It alleviates and leaves my mind unfettered which gives me the opportunity to pursue other thoughts. It allows me to be selfish, to raise my children my way and gives me freedom.

That's the positive spin of not finding and keeping love.

And I still don't know what I do and don't want.

jenny's little ditty

There once was a man from nantucket

Rita really tried to fuck it

but it was so damn small

made it easy to suck it!

I can't believe I never saw Reality Bites

One of the draw backs of marrying young I suppose. I couldn't relate to this movie at the time, and somehow almost 15 years later I can. I was 25 when this movie came out. This was my time. Except I was married and raising a baby and living in another generation at the time.  Two of my favorite lines:

Oh yea I win the Big Commitment Cookoff and  welcome to the land of the emotionally mature both by Winona after the she sleeps with Ethan Hawke.  I need to use those lines. 

Maybe Kim's death made me realize that I don't want to waste time of useless emotions. Emotions on a relationship that doesn't give me what i need are useless.  By ignoring it, I have and am giving it emotional energy and I don't have it to give.

Another great line: A planet of regret sitting on my shoulders. 

I mean who wrote this movie, and why haven't I seen it before!!

The things we do for love...I mean to lose weight

Dextox diets

fat pills

cleansing drinks

about a million different food plans

 purge, binge and a million other eating disorders.

ugh

Reading Jodie's Media blog

makes me remember what I used to want to be when I grew up.  I always had a penchant for the pen and paper. Now I just do it on a laptop. How cool to read all about that conference.  A conference sponsored by Air America. 

That's progressive radio .....the liberals answer to Rush and the other right wing crazies that they let onto the airwaves.  So, I read her blog with interest but with a smidgen of envy.  But with much more interest.  As I am older, I can remember well, I can't really, but I can remember reading about a media that most considered liberal. Now, they are just corporate.

There used to be a time where the media prodded Joe Q Public into contemplating the governments decisions and not just contemplating but participating in the public discourse.  I long for a day such as that again.  I had goals to be this trailblazing and traveling reporting unearthing injustices across America and making the world a better place.

Wow, that was digression if I ever saw it. Go read Jodie's blog. It rocks.

What's up with the wanna be Lance Armstrongs?

All the time, in the morning, usually during rush hour. I mean, what the fuck is wrong with you people. Wearing tight black shorts, the entire getup and traveling in packs.  Like the frickin' wildebeasts in Lion King.

On a two lane road that has no bike lane. It's like you freaks have a death wish. Oh, don't get me wrong, I love bike riding. 

But riding, and seeing the world around me and enjoying the outdoors. These people think they are fucking France or something.

Ugh, one of these days I am not going to swerve. 

War Protests

I love it. As I am driving home a bunch of local high school students, probably 25 or so standing on the corner with a bunch of homemade signs holding them up and waving at cars. Some highlights:

Bush lied, thousands died

Honk for Peace

and my favorite:

If you aren't pizzed then you aren't paying attention.

dude.

Nose Picking in the Car

So, I have a bad habit of doing this. And as I was leaving work today, I did it. of course I did it, because there was a really cute guy driving behind me. And I saw him looking at me and vainly thought, wow, cute guy checking me out.

No moron, he thinks you are gross because you just picked a boogie and flicked it ala Megg.  And my next thought,

wow.....can't wait to blog about this.

Don't touch my stuff

Let's be clear. I probably don't set a good example for my kids. I HATE when people mess with my stuff. Truth be told, who actually likes it. I mean, we are all told as kids to share, etc. 

But we are also told to respect other people's private property. Well, I cannot stand when my children touch my stuff. And for the most part they respect that. My oldest DS is finally trained enough that he at least calls and asks.

HOWEVER, my darling niece never got that lesson apparently, all things are within her domain and I have asked her not to touch. And she always has a reason.

Ugh.

Miss my DBF

Had a birthday party for my DD today. All the family was there and I had it in WPB, so it was easy for DBF to come and bring his kids, which he did. And it was great. And I realized when he was leaving that it might be another week before I would see him again...

and realized that I missed spending time with him.  Really. 

Our relationship started out quick and we became a couple relatively quickly last year. But he didn't want to feel like he was in a marriage where he had to check with me for every little thing and I was ok with that.  I wanted to be with him, and if that meant taking it a little slower, then I was ok with that too.  

But, I am starting to think that I am not ok with it. It took me awhile to get to the point where I thought I was ok. And today made me realize, I want more. I don't want to be married or anything, because I really don't think I am ready for all that that would entail, but I do want more than what we have now.  And I have been dealing with so many other things in my life, that I am realizing it now. 

And I don't know what to do about it.  When is life going to get easier. 

It also makes me wonder, when do I get taken care of?

How do I help this child?

And she really isn't a child. My niece that is. She is 18. But she is going through what is a life altering event. And living with me. Which I am so extremely thankful for. And stressed about.

And I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HELP HER! Oh, I know all the platitudes and cliches to say. And I know how to hug her and talk to her. And my children are very happy to have her here as well.  

But what do I say when she is crying because she lost a key charm that her mom gave her. Something of great sentimental value.  Because that is what happened last night.  And I was a complete and total loss.  I mean, I know I would be hysterical. And I am a grown 39 woman and I know that I would be that way about losing something.  My sister's things give her great comfort.  And events like this are going to happen. I wish I could find it for her. My heart breaks for her.  Her mom was such a big part of her life and I know that the hole I feel feels as it it won't heal, so how must she feel.  

All I can do is just hug her and tell her that her memories are with her, and that it's ok.  What else could I say or do.