Going to the U!!

of Miami that is. I have gone on and on about this incessantly this week I am sure. My friends are probably tired of hearing about it.  But I have been given an incredible opportunity and I do not plan on squandering it.  I can remember in high school getting the application and taking a tour of the campus with my uncle. It was and is an incredible campus. I *wish* I could have that whole experience, but alas, at 39 (and holding) I think I need to refocus my priorities.  Which is graduating summa cum laude.  Seriously.  

I feel like I am about to embark on an incredible journey. A path that a month ago I didn't know existed and yet here it is. Place in front of me and what that journey entails is yet to be written.

This one's for you Kimmie!!!

The Last Lecture

I didn't see it when it aired, but I heard one of the lines last night about walls being put in front of us and those walls not being obstacles but really determining how bad we want to get what is over the wall.It is a lot like the Interested vs Committed. We can make excuses, or we can see the wall and muster up whatever courage and strength we need and get OVER IT. The wall that is.It truly makes the accomplishment that much sweeter when you have had to work at it. I mean when you pour your heart and soul into something and you accomplish your goal, that means more than something that comes easy. It really does. We all have the fortitude we need to overcome those walls. It is just a matter of pausing, taking a deep breath, and charging full steam ahead.I started this thread, not about weight loss and our struggles but about another topic completely. However, the message applies regardless of the topic and the goal in question.My sister taught me that you should follow your dreams NOW, because you don't know what the future holds and sometimes, there isn't tomorrow. I am taking my deep breath, and I am charging ahead. Anyone care to join me?

Soundtrack of my life

I keep playing this song over and over. I love it.

Backstreet Boys

"I Still..."

Who are you now?
Are you still the same
Or did you change somehow?
What do you do
At this very moment when I think of you?
And when I'm looking back
How we were young and stupid
Do you remember that?

No matter how I fight it
Can't deny it
Just can't let you go

I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you

Now look at me
Instead of moving on, I refuse to see
That I keep coming back
And I'm stuck in a moment
That wasn't meant to last (to last)

I've tried to fight it
Can't deny it
You don't even know

That I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you

No no
Wish I could find you
Just like you found me
Then I would never let you go (without you)

Though everything's been said and done (yeah)
I still feel you (I still feel you)
Like I'm right beside you (like I'm right beside you)
But still no (still no word) word from you

You just never know...

about life that is.  A friend of mine said that to me today. You think that you are on one path, walking along and before you know it that path has wound around and suddenly you are on a completely different path, headed in a completely different direction.  Sometimes it isn't what we want, and sometimes it leads us to something better in a very roundabout kind of way.  

I am not sure how I feel about that but at this particular moment that is what I think is happening with me. I think I am on one path headed one way and then all of sudden, oops, not anymore.  I like to think that I have grown enough as a person that I can seamlessly make this switch and not skip a beat, but sometimes, I can't.

Sometimes, you like the path that you are on and it takes blind faith to trust that you will eventually wind up in a place that you are happy with.  For me, the OCD in me just doesn't always allow a seamless transition.

**sigh**  if only I could learn to just go with the flow. It definitely would make things easier.  Or I could just drink more. That would make it easier too.

My Sister Kim

Some of you may know that I experienced the absolute worst thing in my life this past May. I lost my beautiful sister, Kim, 42, to breast cancer. I sit here and type this with tears streaming down my face because there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her. That i don't wish she were here to share in all of our wacky family shenanigans!! She had the best shenanigans sometimes and taught me most of what I know.

Kimmie didn't have a Facebook page but if you go to my myspace page www.myspace.com/jr8fan500 then you will see her. She is my first friend. She was always my first friend and I have a void in my heart now that she is gone, that I don't think will ever be filled again. She was loved by so many people, that her funeral was standing room only. The earth is a little dimmer without her presence and my only saving grace is that I know I now have an angel watching over me.

I am writing this, to let you all know that Kim's best friend Gayle (she is on my friends list) has organized a team to walk the 3-day Breast Cancer walk in Tampa at the end of Oct. Gayle and Kim did this walk a few years ago, and I remember being so proud of them for doing this, for raising money so eradicate this awful disease. Well, now Gayle is going solo and I am begging you to give to her walk effort. If I can save another family from feeling this torment, then I want to do my part. No one should have to lose a loved one in the prime of their life. No daughter should be without her mother, no sister should be without her best friend, and no parent should have to bury their child.

You guys are all my friends, and I don't ever ask for much. But I am asking for this. Please support Gayle and my family in this effort. I thank and love all of you! 

Mr. Canada

deserves his own blog.  Because he embodies all the things that I "SHOULD" expect in a guy. A wise friend told me this.  All continues well. He is still coming to visit at the end of the month.

I have also decided that life experience is overrated. It really is just a nice way of saying baggage and I have enough for both of us!!  (insert laugh)

Ok, as I previously stated, I have a cold, and therefore, waxing poetic dry sardonic wit is going to prove an impossibility for me tonight. So I shall ramble on another day.

My daughter and the cold

well, she is sick

it's to be expected since she just started kindergarten, and sure enough. She is sick, ergo, I am sick. I don't do sick well.

because, well, I have a routine, and I am pretty comfortable with the fact that I am slightly OCD and I have owned it and and good with it. Therefore, when anything upsets my little apple cart, like a cold, or a potential hurricane, well then I lose it.

She however, is in kindergarten nirvana and wants to go to school, whether she has snot running down her face or not. So I let her go. Why not? Spread those germs that someone apparently already brought into the classroom.

Is that so wrong??

In other random news, the running continues. More on the health blog.

My First 5K

I ran my first 5K today. I never realized or anticipated the variety of the types of people that would be running in this race. So going into it, I my goal was to finish in 40 min or less. After one mile in I would have been happy with 45 or less.

I didn't think that I was ready for this. And I may have been borderline, but I did it. As I approached a sign that said Mile 1 my initial thought was are you fucking kidding me, that was only one mile. Oy, then I figured, ok, so you ran the whole first mile, you aren't really dying right now, so keep running and at some point you can walk for a 2 min interval. I had the intervals going on my ironman watch as I figured that is how I run every day so, I should do what I am used to doing.

I walked once before mile 2 and thought to myself well, I can walk another 2 min interval maybe. I kept pace with a couple of people around me and didn't let them get to far ahead of me. As we approached a sign that divided the 5Kers and the 10Kers (who my friend Crystal was running) I felt some energy burst through me. I thought OMG, I can see the finish line, I can see the finish line. So, I put on a really fast U2 song, Vertigo and hit it when I hit the 3 mile mark. Seeing the finish line and knowing I had .1 miles to go, I really hit it full blast. oh my god, are you kidding me, how in the hell is .1 miles sooooooooo long. I was breathing so heavily, but I didn't care. I was not stopping, I was almost there.

And when I crossed that finish line and got my water and saw my time, I couldn't believe it. I made my goal. I made it in less than 40 min. And I stopped to walk. But I did it. I had knee surgery a year ago and I thought I would not be able to compete in a race. I guess I wouldn't call this competing, but I made my goal. And I intend to keep going. I almost started crying, I felt like throwing up, but as i sat there and watched everyone, I sat alone and couldn't help but feeling a sense of accomplishment. For me, I did this for me.

What do I want in a relationship??

Someone actually asked me this the other day?  What do I want? It's a valid question, and coming from someone that I know cares about me so I am not offended nor do I take it in a bad way. 

So, what do I want. I don't know was my answer at the time, but I guess what i want is to be loved. I mean, isn't that what we all want???  And of course, all the things that come along with that.

Love is elusive and I have come to believe that it doesn't come around that often or when you expect it to. So, I think you should be open to every possibility.

But then, I tend to obsess.

Can a May/December Relationship work??

If the woman is the older party??  

And let me just preface this by saying I am not even really sure if I can call what the Canadian and I have as a relationship. Sure, if we lived within at least one time zone then I guess we could, but since there are, oh, I don't know, 3 hours between us, then it's hard to even consider. However, that aside, let me continue with my musing.

Today at the therapist I owned to liking and dating several younger men. After much going back and forth about the whys (lets just say I live in the moment and don't get caught up in the possibility of a future, because really, that thought doesn't enter my mind with a younger guy) he said that the reality is that a younger man and an older woman just won't work in the long term. He was like, well, it's always a possibility but the it's like the odds of winning lotto. more on that later.

I could deduce, then, that his professional opinion was that if I wanted sometime long-term and serious that I would be disappointed if I thought I was going to find it in a younger man. Which led me to ask the original question.  Can they work, if the older person is a women?  

I am sure that this has been asked before, but truly, why not? If i was a man, people would be high fiving me and slapping me on the back. I have gone on and on before on the unfairness of a gal like Samantha being branded a slut while if she were a guy, they would be commending her on her prowess.

It's a complete double standard and everyone knows it, yet WE women allow it to perpetuate. Now don't get me wrong, I am not advocating that we all go out and immediately younger guys. And I know that there are some younger guys who purposely seek out older women thinking that we are somehow easier to get into bed. 

I then asked my Dr, so should I just write off a guy simply because he is a good 15 years younger than me without ever giving him an opportunity and of course, there is no black and white answer for that, but he did seem to lean in the direction of me understanding that there is no way possible someone that much younger would have the life experience necessary to deal with being in a relationship with me. 

Ergo, my current albeit slight dilemma. Again, I am living in the moment, but a small part of me inside can't help but wonder if there could be a future. It seems improbable at best, and yet, I still can't help but wonder.  

back to the lotto comment, someone has to win. And while the odds are against anyone of us winning, millions play each week with the hope that they could be holding the winning lottery ticket.  Hope........without we have nothing. I play lotto every week, almost, in the hope that I will win. Even though I know the statistical improbability of winning. It's why I give certain men a chance.  At worst, it's another life experience chapter for my book. At best....well, then the possibilities are endless aren't they.

Hope springs eternal. It's the Charlotte in all of us.