In therapy related news

I have never been diagnosed with any disorder, OCD, anxiety, whatever.

In the two years that I have been going. Or maybe I just never asked.

So maybe I am not as crazy as I think I am.

Completely Gullible

Why is that I believe *everything* a certain someone says other than the fact that why would someone so far away lie about something?

But the bigger questions have to do with self esteem. Mine, of course, because being inherently self centered that is who I am going to be focused on. Why are my moods based upon the amount of attention that I get from someone that I am interested in?? It shouldn't be, and based up my new janet jackson philosophy it totally shouldn't. 

And yet it is.  NTS: work on that.

I am strong and capable in all areas of my life except this one. Truly, and yet, no matter how many times I say, not again, I allow again to happen. And I think that I am just more upset at myself for even caring about the situation.

Ugh, emotionless sex is NEVER emotionless. Another NTS. Truly.

In related news, I have decided that boy toys are just an option at this point in time. I will advise if that development changes.

In other related news

I find Dustin Pedroia extremely attractive for some reason. 

I also have another new potential boy toy.

Amy Winehouse

is again in the hospital. I must be completely out of touch because all I know of this woman is her drama and her constant abuse of something.

And they have her on the yahoo main page. To wit, my 5 year old DD says, is that you? It looks like you mommy.

Great, just what I want to hear at this point in time.

Thanks honey. Go back to your room and leave mommy to her vodka.

Podcast

Oh my. How have I been cut off from this genre of information overload.

Holy cow. I have so many to choose from. NPR downloads for free. Sweet.

<<--------obviously has been technologically challenged for much too long.  maybe I should have my own podcast.

Randomness with Rita

Obama's Speech in Berlin

So I just heard a clip from his speech.  

I actually have some hope. I usually am apathetic about the ability to change the political process and the old guard that I have experience first hand.

I like to think that I am more informed than most of the public.  And I am. But if you listen to this man speak, you can hear in his voice the conviction with which he runs for office. 

Oh, my...side tangent field trip.

"It's easier to label people when they don't agree with you"  A caller from the Stephanie Miller show, that I listen to on podcast every day. He said this to her after she called him a "right winger".  Um, hello dude, how about when people who don't agree with the current administration get called unpatriotic, or terrorists.

I suppose that is ok.  

Back to Barack.  He has great speech writers.  Ah, the cynic in me is back.

But, I do believe, that we (society collectively) have more in common than differences.  I believe that if we come together, if we pay attention to what is going on more than 5 feet in front of us, that we have the strength and courage that it takes to put us back on the right track.  We need to do this, for ourselves, for our country and for our children.  If people would focus on our commonalities rather than our differences then I truly believe that we can fix this. 

Or not.

My date

We had a nice time. Went to dinner in Ft. Lauderdale and then we went on a boat ride in the inter-coastal.  Which I love to do. I love riding up and down the water and being outdoors like that.  So it was a nice surprise.

And he was a perfect gentleman. Hugged me at the door and said goodbye.

And of course, I had absolutely no sparks.  Which people tell me is a good thing. 

I have to say, it was nice to not be gaga and just enjoy myself.

In other news, my Red Sox and Marlins keep losing.

Air Conditioner

I posted a question about AC and who has it and who doesn't have it. I was fascinated by the topic for some strange reason.

In that same vein, I came to find out that most people in Southern california.

If that is the case, why did everyone in Top Gun sweat so much? Even when indoors. It appears that there were big fans all over and no air conditioner.

Don't get me wrong, all those dude, all hot and sweaty!! Yumm-O

But why??

It's the weekend!!

My Sat plans:

gymnastics with DD aka the littlest bloodsucker

errands

date.  some enthusiasm for this would be nice too.

Maybe I just lack overall enthusiasm.  Or maybe I need medication.

off I go.

Date this Sat night

Yes, so it is official. I have a  date on Sat night. I wish I were excited about it.

But, I am not. Truth is, really, I am not. On paper, he seems really great. Politically thinks along the same lines that I do, good dad, nice guy, decent looking.

But, but...there is something lacking. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's just that I get sooooo little time with my kiddos that I don't want to waste a perfectly good evening without them. 

or maybe, I just miss Steve. Or maybe I just like someone else. Who lives, oh I don't know about 2000 miles away.

Either way. I hope I find some excitement for Sat. 

The MVD Story

"IT" has impacted my life so much I figure I might as well tell the story. Maybe then some of the other shit will make sense to you. It mostly makes sense to me due to my 2 years of therapy. Let me preface by saying that.

Rewind 2 years, almost to the day. I have been single for awhile and I was actual getting accustomed to it. I was working out, lost some weight and all of that and I had signed up for online dating, but I really wasn't into it.

And then I got a message from Him.  I liked the profile and the fact that he was very well spoken, etc. Not to mention from Boston, and his job, oy.

We met, in the middle of a hurricane warning. Truly. The hurricane didn't hit, at least not that night. We went out the next night and he invited me to go to Martha's Vineyard to visit the family compound.  It was  literally love at first site. For him, he said.  And honestly for me too.

He was Josh to my Donna. A West Wing reference.

Anyways, it was an amazing weekend, which included flying to Boston to meet his sister and her family.  He even took me to several jewelry stores, had my finger measured and took notes of what kinds of jewelry I liked.   I came home, had a harrowing plane ride home (that's another post all together) and talked several times while he was gone.  He came back and we continued seeing each other, plays etc. One conversation goes like this, "so, I am thinking of going back to school to eventually to go law school.

Him: "well, that's great, but you should wait until next year, because you will have your hands full this upcoming year, we need to find a house for us, and we need to plan the wedding."

We even looked at wedding locations.

Fast forward a few weeks, he gets a cold but arranges to come over in the morning to take my car to get tires. Oh, yea, did I mention that he is ridiculously wealthy. yea, that too.

We go our merry ways to work, and he calls me later on that night that he went to the Dr. and was staying with a friend up in WPB.. ok. Call me later.  

The next day: I don't hear from him. I figure, he has the flu, he is resting, etc. I call him, no answer, I leave a voice mail. About 15  min later I get a text message that reads:

I am so sorry, but I can't do this. You demand too much and I cannot date you anymore. I am on a plane out of town. I am sorry.

What?? Really?? 

So I call.  and I call. and no answer.  And no answer. This is Thursday night.

Friday, I call and make an appointment with a therapist.  I get an email from him, basically saying that I demand too much, and I need therapy.  He loves me but can't be with someone like me.

That's the MVD story.  

Yes, it was hard. But I am over it.  

Joyous Hallelujah

My ipod has been restored!!

In other random events that piss me off

my ipod isn't working.

Isn't the point of a boy toy

It isn't the first time I have entertained a boy toy, or even the possibility of one. But when they become more needy than you, well then, isn't the point of having one defeated.

Because if I wanted to have to invest time and energy into the relationship then I would choose a more suitable partner for my life and life style. Because dude, when you call me more times in a day then anyone in my family, well, that's just too much.

In other dating news, since I lazily clicked invite my ENTIRE address book to face book, yea, now "they" are crawling out of the woodwork. The guys who didn't work out, yea....getting voice mails that all begin and have the common theme

"hey, saw you invited me to facebook, that's great, would love to catch up"

oy, that will teach me.

and no, MVD dude ISN'T one of those. That is probably a good thing!

Because we can't just coast for awhile

I just got the news that my dad has to have a pacemaker put in on monday.  Everyone is telling me that it is routine, that a lot of people have them and go on to live long and elderly lives.

It helps, some, but jesus, can I catch a small break. You think?  Like, more than one consecutive month of random boredom.  I won't complain about the lack of excitement and will be more than happy to realize that a few weeks pass by unnoticed.  

After Mon, that is what I am going for.

I think I am truly unbalanced.

It shouldn’t take 2 years to get over a 6 week relationship.

It just really shouldn’t. But apparently, for me, it does. I decided to start using a Facebook page for networking purposes. And so I did what any lazy instant gratifier would do, I clicked invite all addressee’s in my mailbox. So it did, and then it populated those individuals who currently had facebook pages corresponding to said email addresses.

And who show’s up but Martha Vineyard Dude. We shall call him MVD in an effort to remain succinct. So, out of morbid curiosity, I click on his page. WHY **banging head on desk repeatedly***** Why do I do that to myself????

HONESTLY (in your best Young Dr. Evil voice)

Back to my tale: so I click on his page and find, that MVD just went to Europe, and had quite an extensive stay there, multiple countries, multiple venues. The theatre in London. And in most of the pictures is a female companion. Hmm. You see, in the theatre that is my mind, he couldn’t be with me, not because of any “issues” that I may have had, but rather because I was simply the wrong gender and he had yet to admit it to anyone, including himself.

But, clearly, I was wrong. At least that is the conclusion I jumped to when I saw those pictures. Now, before you start to think, wow, this chick needs some major therapy, let me tell you that I have and do go to a therapist. This was precipitated by his dumping me via text message. And therefore have been in therapy for the last two years.

Back to my opening statement.

I could run through the myriad of possibilities and scenarios that is his life now. And completely analytically try to determine the how’s and why’s. I actually start to do that. But I won’t. I can’t. You have to play the hand you are given I suppose.

And that is what I intend on doing.

And isn't it ironic

that I spelled their wrong


in a blog about stupid people.

yup, here's my sign.

People and their stupidity

Constantly amaze me.

Recent email on our company email board, For Rent, Sale or Hire


I live in the Dallas area, and I am looking for a sitter for two of my children.... My daughter is 4 yrs. old, and My son is 2 yrs. old. It will be Monday - Friday only from 6:30 or 7am to about 6pm.... They are really good, well mannered kids.... I cant afford to pay much due to my circumstances...... Please if you are interested, or know of someone who might be, call me? Here's a picture of them....


Translation: I have two good kids (my completely biased opinion) that I need someone to watch while I go to work, because I don't want to put them in Day Care. Um, yea, I can't pay you a lot because I have issues, but look, here's a picture.

As if someone would say, hey, I want to completely and totally waste 5 days out of 7 taking care of someone else's kids because I think they are cute.

Really?? you really think that?

I almost want to respond to that.
ugh, people really are that stupid.

the craigslist phenomenon

I am supposed to be going to bed, but the ADD took over and instead of logging off the computer, 30 min here I am completely laughing my fucking ass off about the personals on craigslist.

Now, I am not a complete and total dweeb (do they say that word anymore?) I have heard of craigslit, and I even remember someone posting on the WW Core Board that it is the ONLY way to find a good apartment in the Boston area.  Apparently the classified ad's in the Boston Globe are utterly passe.  Anyway, I remember Soly saying that she pulled it up and found (wait for it)

erotica

Really? Of course, I was at work at the time and I couldn't go there because they have this stupid firewall and websense, whatever, I digress.

For some reason, I have craiglist saved in my popular bookmarks bar and I accidently clicked open each site in a separate tab. I begin methodically closing out these tabs, as, stay with me, i was only going to shut down so I could go to bed. Curiosity, better known as ADD, gets the best of me, and I am perusing the personals.

OMG, are these people for real. Do you mean to tell me that I live amongst these people and perhaps even have some in my office??  Because there just can't be people out there like that. Wait, wait, here is one for you reading enjoyment:

Seeking Cougar, 28, Davie

where are you? 
please send a pic and tell me why you like younger men 
i am alot of fun...love dancing,movies,going out to eat and giving massages

Another title: Dentist seeks slender blonde for fun evenings.

Oh. my. God.  I am totally ROFLMMFAO  I really, really am. 

Seriously, do you know how much blog material is available to me.

I so want to set up a fake email just to respond to these people.  I just might.

Of course, I would report back here.

Thanks to Jodie

I now want another tattoo.

But what and where?  I seriously like the idea of cherries on my butt cheek.

Then I can tell people to kiss my cherries.

heh.

In other news

I have a potential boy toy.

Are really so PC???

That we have lost sight of what true satire is??  I am referring to the latest cover of The New Yorker.

First let me say that I DON'T believe the nonsense that the right is spreading about Obama. I don't think that he a "secret" muslim and I intend on voting for him. I feel that what he offers is a true and refreshing new start.

Ok, so back to The New Yorker cover. Dude, that cover is funny. I completely expected the Obama camp to be offended. As so many are saying, they are supposed to come out and say that. But honestly, it play on our ridiculousness and our complete gullibility when it comes to anything unknown.  

That cover is showing us, that as a society, WE need to pay attention to the more important aspects of this campaign. And not to the distractions that the right politico machine is so famous for. They are famous for the whole Wizard of Oz "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain" in an attempt to distract us from the disaster that would behold our country should John McCain win Bush's third term.

And I think it's funny. I am not black and I laughed out loud. And guess what, I bet Barack and Michele did too (privately of course)

Sophie's Choice

Watched this movie for the first time today.

Oh

My

God.

I didn't see where it was going, at all. A great movie, though, no wonder Merril Streep has won an Oscar. 

However, I am now thoroughly emotionally drained and sad. Not the way I want to be this fine Sunday.

In other news, I got a new cage for the pooch, and she LOVES it.

lacking a sense of humor

My 16 year old says that I lack a sense of humor. That "everything" pisses me off and that I don't recognize playful banter.

Really???

Could it be that he is right.  I mean, other people, outside my family that is, recognize me for the witty and humorous gal that I imagine myself to be. So is it possible, that I am that controlling and uptight in the house, in  private, that he could be right.  

Could it be underneath what others see as strong, confident independent women really lies an insecure OCD bitch.  Probably a combination of the two.

Could it be that I am really a combination of the two??  And would a more relaxed, bantering mom relate better, make them listen more or lesson my stress level. Maybe. 

Or it could just be that he is a teenager and will take any contrary stand to me. One thing I am sure of, if he dislikes me or is frustrated by me, then I must be doing my job.

Can you eat duck eggs and are they core?

So it rains, like every freakin' day here in the summer. usually we have the mornings, but sometimes mother nature likes to fuck with us and have it rain all day.

Yesterday was one of those all day kind of days. 

I live in a ghetto fabulous apartment complex  of a very ritzy area called Weston.  My apt faces a lake, really quite nice, if it was not in a section of the EVERGLADES. Yes, I, Ms. Lefty Liberal live in a part of town that once was the Everglades. It has the best schools in the county what can I say. Anyway, I digress, as I am walking up the sidewalk to my apt my DD (Shyanne, 5 yo) notices that there is an egg in the grass.   Well, we live in the Everglades, on a lake, yea, there are about 5 million ducks usually milling about. I knew that one of the momma ducks had a nest of eggs in a bush by the AC but thought that they had hatched. So Shyanne wants to give the egg back to the momma duck. I could just see her chasing the duck, saying, "hey lady, you forgot one of your chicks".  

So, she puts it where the nest once was, and there it sits. Of course, we walk by this thing EVERY time we go to the car/pool/park/mailbox/grocery store. And she wants to know, why is the Mommy mad at her egg and why doesn't she get it.

Should I tell her it's because the egg asks too many questions?

Naw, I am not that mean. Not yet anyway =)

Cherish each moment

As I sit here and watch the DVD from our January family reunion I never imagined back then that I would be here 7 months later and not have my sister with us.  My DBF that is in the video is now my ex-DBF and my sister is gone.

7 months.

It isn't even a year. In what is a relatively short amount of time my life has completely changed. Each day is a gift. Unfortunately, I didn't know it back then. Hindsight is always 2020 isn't it. 

Strong Women=Single women

So I posted on the WW core board about this and  I had some interesting insight on it. 

One person said that perhaps I come across as "hard" or fiercely independent and that truly isn't what a guy wants, because if I am so independent then do I need him.

Which got me thinking even more. "Hard" is such a negative word. And one that I don't relish resembling.  I think that I am independent and I definitely don't think I come across as harsh. But just like we have body dysmorphia perhaps I have a skewed image of myself, in every way.

It just makes me wonder why I have no problem attracting guys for meaningless sex but can't seem to find someone who wants a relationship.  And a lot of the time I don't think I even care. But today wasn't one of those days. Today I care. Today I wonder is it true, that men don't want strong independent women? 

Or is it me? 

Perfumes etc in the workplace

First let me say that I hate "that" person. You know, the one who bitches and moans about every little scent bothering them and setting their allergies off. I really do. If it's in excess, ok, I guess. But we have some people here who have signs hanging around their cubes and in the restroom area. Really? It's that bad, then take some medication. Honestly. (think Dr. Evil)

But today........that was me. I don't know what happened, but my allergies were driving me nuts all day. To the extent that I got a killer headache. And I know it was some freaky Tax Dept. person. Because whenever one of them, they are all freaks, walked by, my asthma would kick in.

I mean, really, do you need to bathe in the patchoulie cologne you got for Christmas. Because you have been wearing it EVERY FREAKIN DAY since New Year's.

And like, it doesn't help. Really.

***off to take a sudafed and collapse on the couch**

I miss Kimmie

especially at times like these. 

And...

I am leaving the pic up, it was from New Year's and I like the way I look in it.

So it stays.

In other ruminations, I really need to start walking and sign up to raise some $$ for that walk. Not to mention get back to school.

And today I have to go back to work. yee haw, how fun.

not so much.

In other random news

I really like the hats that the Red Sox are wearing today. A brighter blue and is that stars and stripes inside the B?

Meloncholy

You know the feeling, when your heart sinks into your stomach, and a huge lump forms in your throat and you can barely swallow.  That is the status of my psyche today.  Even though I know "it" was over before I went to Boston, it still makes me sad to have to face the reality of it. I have so many different things to feel emotional about right now. "It" is just one of those things.

I know I will miss Amanda, but at the same time I am excited to get back to the routine of my life. But I don't know what that routine is now. Before I had Steve to spend time with, and now I really don't.  And while I know it is the right thing to do, it makes me sad.

So I guess I should. Move on that is. An unchartered course is always scary, the unknown usually is. BUT, and I shall repeat this to myself often, you do not not what the future holds, nor do I know what path I shall take, but onward and forward I go.

Entourage Return WOOT!!

Mark your calendars ladies and gentlemen. September 7th is the day that Entourage begins showing new episodes. About fanfucking time.  I so love this show.

Ari is my jewish boyfriend.

And don't call me during the show.....MOM this means you!!

Unsettled

Someone said this to me today and it is an extremely descriptive word for me to use right now. I feel slightly unsettled. Post vacation depression I suppose.

Exercise, I was told, is a good remedy for when you are bummed out. So perhaps, I shall try that. Bike, here I come.