Saturday Night is All Right For Fighting

Well, not really fighting, but holy moly did I get drunk.  There was fun with the Italian and the tall active duty coast guard dude.

I am starting to think that I collect hot young guys the way I do shoes and handbags.

Weight Loss is the easy part

ts the keeping it off that is hard.

I have seen a lot of threads today 

"how can I still have this..."

"I HAVE to have "

And I just wanted to say, I was at lifetime. I was at 118 lbs. Check my stats. I am not there now. DO you know why? Because I did what it took to lose the weight, but I never bothered to understand why I gained it to begin with. I didn't change my attitude about food. 

And guess what. The weight came back. No, not all at once. But over time. And guess what else?? I struggled to keep it off. It was like torment. Why? Because I wanted to eat all of the old junk that I used to eat.

I finally realized that in order to KEEP IT OFF, I needed to change the mindset. It wasn't enough to just follow the plan. That's the easy part. Following the plan will get you to lose the weight. 

So, now, I don't HAVE to have anything. It's food, not life support. Do I still have sweets? Yes. Do I still drink? Yes, because I want to. I plan for it. Which means I don't do it every day. Because to quote Kate, this is going to be the last week that I weigh 145. 

But what do I know, I am just a meanie.

So the above was a post I wrote on the Weight Watchers board. And I got a lot of positive responses. But someone had another thought, she was rambling but she really had a good point about it not being fair. And my response is so what. Yea it's not but then neither is life. And someone else said that they agree, that they hear the "I can't live without X food" and she said you know what I can't do, I can't go back to being overweight, etc.  And I couldn't agree more, I can't go back to being so completely miserable. I am so vain, that I can guarantee you that I won't be *that* person ever again.

Evah.

so, I joined a gym...

for a variety of reasons. But two of the biggest ones were I needed a place to run when it rained. I know, I know, I could just run in the rain as long as there isn't lightening etc. And when I become a seasoned runner, I may just do that, however, since I am a newbie still, I would rather stay dry and not water log my iPod.

The other reason is that I HAVE to start weight training.  The home weights weren't cutting it. And honestly, I like to do free weights in the gym. Have you seen some of the guys there. Ok, so that isn't my main reason, but it is  definite bonus. Anyway, I know how good lifting is. And I want to be strong.  

Anyway, I went today. And I realized that while I want to do weights, I need to bring along my routine with me. Yes, you know, the ones we all have from Women's Health or Her Fitness, etc.  i will be the only person doing that I am sure, because I saw NO ONE else doing that. But you know what. I could care less. It is better to have a plan than to haphazardly do weights without a plan.  As you guys know, I am all about the planning.

Because I have a goal. I am on a mission. To be taut and cut. By my birthday, hell, by new year's. I will do it. I will turn back time.  

In other running news, there is a half marathon in February, the weekend of my birthday, that I am going to sign up for. 

In other dating news, well, all is quiet on that front. Unless you count the White African guy from Myspace who lives in NYC. He is an option. I will get back to you on that.

baer

Learning to Live in the moment

This has always been something I struggle with. I guess it's because I am slightly OCD and have to have everything planned out etc.  But lately, I have learned to not just live in the moment, but not stress about what the future holds.

Maybe, it's because I am going to go to UM and have the long term future is too much to contemplate. Or maybe it's because I don't know if I believe in "the one" not sure. But either way, I may start to analyze things, but I easily just let it go.

Men do this. They live in the moment ALL THE TIME.  I have always said that if we could learn to behave more man-like (no, not burping and farting at will) but not to analyze things. It really is an easier way to live. So, I shall enjoy the month of October. Because thus far, it has been truly fabulous.

Is Sharing Caring???

So I was told that I share "everything" and it wasn't said to me in a good way. As in, I am too honest? Or as in TMI?? I wasn't sure, and to be honest I didn't really get a clear answer. But it makes me wonder, is there such a thing as too much sharing.

Of course, I am talking about relationship/dating interaction. I was always told that honesty is the best policy. But maybe I am wrong. Not necessarily to be dishonest but to be very lawyer like and only give the information that has been requested. Is that what makes successful relationships?? Is it true that anything other than the actual answer to a guy is just superfluous and therefore irrelevant. Or just annoying. I mean we all do annoying things. Don't we. Of course we do.

Or is it that this complete and unabashed openness is so contrary to what is the norm that it makes guys feel uncomfortable. And guys, we know, don't do uncomfortable well. I don't know. I think the lack of sleep may be interfering with my ability to discern this comment in proper context that it was given.

Or maybe it's just time to act like opposite George.

User Names

Some of you may know that I have a group of friends and we all post on the Core Board at Weight Watchers. Well, we all have these different user names, of course to protect our identity. Obviously the people whose user names are their actual first and last names or their email addresses didn't get that memo. But whatever, that's not my point.

Tonight, I noticed that there is this one user whose name is jasonsgirl38 and it got me thinking. Identity crisis much???  I mean seriously is that the best you could come up with. No wonder so many women are so co-dependent and remain in completely fucked up relationships. We have no identity other than what a man brings us???  I am sure that this person didn't intentionally mean that when she signed up for Weight Watchers but I think this subconsciously says a lot and I don't think by any stretch that she is alone in her low self esteem. I know she isn't because, Hi I'm pot, nice to meet you kettle.

So, can we all agree to at least try and pick a user name that signifies who WE are, not who we belong to. Like we are chattel or property.  That went out a long time ago.  

Of course, if Sara Palin becomes VP then who knows, maybe all that is old will be new again. For now, however, I think it's time that we women stopped being our own worst enemies.

But who am I to talk. My yahoo id is ajflfan. As in an Alan Jackson fan. As in...never mind, that's another blog.

Going to the U!!

of Miami that is. I have gone on and on about this incessantly this week I am sure. My friends are probably tired of hearing about it.  But I have been given an incredible opportunity and I do not plan on squandering it.  I can remember in high school getting the application and taking a tour of the campus with my uncle. It was and is an incredible campus. I *wish* I could have that whole experience, but alas, at 39 (and holding) I think I need to refocus my priorities.  Which is graduating summa cum laude.  Seriously.  

I feel like I am about to embark on an incredible journey. A path that a month ago I didn't know existed and yet here it is. Place in front of me and what that journey entails is yet to be written.

This one's for you Kimmie!!!

The Last Lecture

I didn't see it when it aired, but I heard one of the lines last night about walls being put in front of us and those walls not being obstacles but really determining how bad we want to get what is over the wall.It is a lot like the Interested vs Committed. We can make excuses, or we can see the wall and muster up whatever courage and strength we need and get OVER IT. The wall that is.It truly makes the accomplishment that much sweeter when you have had to work at it. I mean when you pour your heart and soul into something and you accomplish your goal, that means more than something that comes easy. It really does. We all have the fortitude we need to overcome those walls. It is just a matter of pausing, taking a deep breath, and charging full steam ahead.I started this thread, not about weight loss and our struggles but about another topic completely. However, the message applies regardless of the topic and the goal in question.My sister taught me that you should follow your dreams NOW, because you don't know what the future holds and sometimes, there isn't tomorrow. I am taking my deep breath, and I am charging ahead. Anyone care to join me?

Soundtrack of my life

I keep playing this song over and over. I love it.

Backstreet Boys

"I Still..."

Who are you now?
Are you still the same
Or did you change somehow?
What do you do
At this very moment when I think of you?
And when I'm looking back
How we were young and stupid
Do you remember that?

No matter how I fight it
Can't deny it
Just can't let you go

I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you

Now look at me
Instead of moving on, I refuse to see
That I keep coming back
And I'm stuck in a moment
That wasn't meant to last (to last)

I've tried to fight it
Can't deny it
You don't even know

That I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you

No no
Wish I could find you
Just like you found me
Then I would never let you go (without you)

Though everything's been said and done (yeah)
I still feel you (I still feel you)
Like I'm right beside you (like I'm right beside you)
But still no (still no word) word from you

You just never know...

about life that is.  A friend of mine said that to me today. You think that you are on one path, walking along and before you know it that path has wound around and suddenly you are on a completely different path, headed in a completely different direction.  Sometimes it isn't what we want, and sometimes it leads us to something better in a very roundabout kind of way.  

I am not sure how I feel about that but at this particular moment that is what I think is happening with me. I think I am on one path headed one way and then all of sudden, oops, not anymore.  I like to think that I have grown enough as a person that I can seamlessly make this switch and not skip a beat, but sometimes, I can't.

Sometimes, you like the path that you are on and it takes blind faith to trust that you will eventually wind up in a place that you are happy with.  For me, the OCD in me just doesn't always allow a seamless transition.

**sigh**  if only I could learn to just go with the flow. It definitely would make things easier.  Or I could just drink more. That would make it easier too.

My Sister Kim

Some of you may know that I experienced the absolute worst thing in my life this past May. I lost my beautiful sister, Kim, 42, to breast cancer. I sit here and type this with tears streaming down my face because there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her. That i don't wish she were here to share in all of our wacky family shenanigans!! She had the best shenanigans sometimes and taught me most of what I know.

Kimmie didn't have a Facebook page but if you go to my myspace page www.myspace.com/jr8fan500 then you will see her. She is my first friend. She was always my first friend and I have a void in my heart now that she is gone, that I don't think will ever be filled again. She was loved by so many people, that her funeral was standing room only. The earth is a little dimmer without her presence and my only saving grace is that I know I now have an angel watching over me.

I am writing this, to let you all know that Kim's best friend Gayle (she is on my friends list) has organized a team to walk the 3-day Breast Cancer walk in Tampa at the end of Oct. Gayle and Kim did this walk a few years ago, and I remember being so proud of them for doing this, for raising money so eradicate this awful disease. Well, now Gayle is going solo and I am begging you to give to her walk effort. If I can save another family from feeling this torment, then I want to do my part. No one should have to lose a loved one in the prime of their life. No daughter should be without her mother, no sister should be without her best friend, and no parent should have to bury their child.

You guys are all my friends, and I don't ever ask for much. But I am asking for this. Please support Gayle and my family in this effort. I thank and love all of you! 

Mr. Canada

deserves his own blog.  Because he embodies all the things that I "SHOULD" expect in a guy. A wise friend told me this.  All continues well. He is still coming to visit at the end of the month.

I have also decided that life experience is overrated. It really is just a nice way of saying baggage and I have enough for both of us!!  (insert laugh)

Ok, as I previously stated, I have a cold, and therefore, waxing poetic dry sardonic wit is going to prove an impossibility for me tonight. So I shall ramble on another day.

My daughter and the cold

well, she is sick

it's to be expected since she just started kindergarten, and sure enough. She is sick, ergo, I am sick. I don't do sick well.

because, well, I have a routine, and I am pretty comfortable with the fact that I am slightly OCD and I have owned it and and good with it. Therefore, when anything upsets my little apple cart, like a cold, or a potential hurricane, well then I lose it.

She however, is in kindergarten nirvana and wants to go to school, whether she has snot running down her face or not. So I let her go. Why not? Spread those germs that someone apparently already brought into the classroom.

Is that so wrong??

In other random news, the running continues. More on the health blog.

My First 5K

I ran my first 5K today. I never realized or anticipated the variety of the types of people that would be running in this race. So going into it, I my goal was to finish in 40 min or less. After one mile in I would have been happy with 45 or less.

I didn't think that I was ready for this. And I may have been borderline, but I did it. As I approached a sign that said Mile 1 my initial thought was are you fucking kidding me, that was only one mile. Oy, then I figured, ok, so you ran the whole first mile, you aren't really dying right now, so keep running and at some point you can walk for a 2 min interval. I had the intervals going on my ironman watch as I figured that is how I run every day so, I should do what I am used to doing.

I walked once before mile 2 and thought to myself well, I can walk another 2 min interval maybe. I kept pace with a couple of people around me and didn't let them get to far ahead of me. As we approached a sign that divided the 5Kers and the 10Kers (who my friend Crystal was running) I felt some energy burst through me. I thought OMG, I can see the finish line, I can see the finish line. So, I put on a really fast U2 song, Vertigo and hit it when I hit the 3 mile mark. Seeing the finish line and knowing I had .1 miles to go, I really hit it full blast. oh my god, are you kidding me, how in the hell is .1 miles sooooooooo long. I was breathing so heavily, but I didn't care. I was not stopping, I was almost there.

And when I crossed that finish line and got my water and saw my time, I couldn't believe it. I made my goal. I made it in less than 40 min. And I stopped to walk. But I did it. I had knee surgery a year ago and I thought I would not be able to compete in a race. I guess I wouldn't call this competing, but I made my goal. And I intend to keep going. I almost started crying, I felt like throwing up, but as i sat there and watched everyone, I sat alone and couldn't help but feeling a sense of accomplishment. For me, I did this for me.

What do I want in a relationship??

Someone actually asked me this the other day?  What do I want? It's a valid question, and coming from someone that I know cares about me so I am not offended nor do I take it in a bad way. 

So, what do I want. I don't know was my answer at the time, but I guess what i want is to be loved. I mean, isn't that what we all want???  And of course, all the things that come along with that.

Love is elusive and I have come to believe that it doesn't come around that often or when you expect it to. So, I think you should be open to every possibility.

But then, I tend to obsess.

Can a May/December Relationship work??

If the woman is the older party??  

And let me just preface this by saying I am not even really sure if I can call what the Canadian and I have as a relationship. Sure, if we lived within at least one time zone then I guess we could, but since there are, oh, I don't know, 3 hours between us, then it's hard to even consider. However, that aside, let me continue with my musing.

Today at the therapist I owned to liking and dating several younger men. After much going back and forth about the whys (lets just say I live in the moment and don't get caught up in the possibility of a future, because really, that thought doesn't enter my mind with a younger guy) he said that the reality is that a younger man and an older woman just won't work in the long term. He was like, well, it's always a possibility but the it's like the odds of winning lotto. more on that later.

I could deduce, then, that his professional opinion was that if I wanted sometime long-term and serious that I would be disappointed if I thought I was going to find it in a younger man. Which led me to ask the original question.  Can they work, if the older person is a women?  

I am sure that this has been asked before, but truly, why not? If i was a man, people would be high fiving me and slapping me on the back. I have gone on and on before on the unfairness of a gal like Samantha being branded a slut while if she were a guy, they would be commending her on her prowess.

It's a complete double standard and everyone knows it, yet WE women allow it to perpetuate. Now don't get me wrong, I am not advocating that we all go out and immediately younger guys. And I know that there are some younger guys who purposely seek out older women thinking that we are somehow easier to get into bed. 

I then asked my Dr, so should I just write off a guy simply because he is a good 15 years younger than me without ever giving him an opportunity and of course, there is no black and white answer for that, but he did seem to lean in the direction of me understanding that there is no way possible someone that much younger would have the life experience necessary to deal with being in a relationship with me. 

Ergo, my current albeit slight dilemma. Again, I am living in the moment, but a small part of me inside can't help but wonder if there could be a future. It seems improbable at best, and yet, I still can't help but wonder.  

back to the lotto comment, someone has to win. And while the odds are against anyone of us winning, millions play each week with the hope that they could be holding the winning lottery ticket.  Hope........without we have nothing. I play lotto every week, almost, in the hope that I will win. Even though I know the statistical improbability of winning. It's why I give certain men a chance.  At worst, it's another life experience chapter for my book. At best....well, then the possibilities are endless aren't they.

Hope springs eternal. It's the Charlotte in all of us.

Getting to Meet Patty

One of my highlights of my trip. And one that deserves it's own blog.  she is funny and smart and nice and thoughtful and just makes me want to be a better person.

I was so glad to have been able to meet face to face someone that I consider a friend. I wish i had more reasons to fly out there to visit with her.  We talked about so many different things and it's amazing to me the stories that she could tell.

I know I will be out there again.

An interesting evening on the town

to a hip hop club, sorta.  Whatever label you want to slap on it, it was not my usual cup of tea. But I had a fun time watching the people dance and they did play some good music. From there we went to Hard Rock and Murphy's Law.

And while we were hanging this really good looking guy, built like you would not believe approached. He was a marine (insert screams and giggles here).  We started talking, he bought me a drink and then he went in to kiss me and my thought was......i don't want to kiss him.  It felt wrong to be doing that for some reason. I mean, it should not have because B and I have not discussed anything, I mean how could we? We spent, what? A week? three days together talking and several more texting all day and on the phone. That doesn't mean that I have any obligation but my heart isn't in getting with someone else. 

Completely and totally irrational i know. But that was what my thought was. And then the dude, told us about his suite upstairs and did we want to go up with him, he had friends there. And when my friend said, uh, NO, you are a stranger, he proceeded to try to convince me that I should leave her and go with him.??? What?? Dude, really, have you never heard the saying chicks before dicks. And even if you hadn't what fucking part of no didn't you get.  So of course, I was pissed.

But then on the drive home I became melancholy as I of course compared my experience in Canada with this asshole. I mean I had B, walk me to my room and not make an inappropriate gesture at all. Actually, not any all night. Which just impresses me more and more as days go by.  

And makes me sad, because it's so ironic. And so the way my life goes. I had trouble having a relationship when the guy lived one county over. A continent apart is going to prove difficult.

Leaving Vancouver

proved more difficult that I would have thought.  i really enjoyed my time there.

Thankfully I have unlimited texting.  it makes keeping in touch much easier.

Canadian Impressions

We get dressed up and go to dinner at a very nice local restaurant in an area of town that is very popular and hip.  From there we go to a bar across the way and happen to run into a group of young and extremely good looking Canadian men.  Of course, I start talking to all of them and before you know it they have joined our huge group and are one of us.

I was impressed mostly by the maturity of these men, even though their age would indicate otherwise.  However, I quickly found out that they weren't anything like American men.  One in particular seemed to get along particularly well with me and seemed to act and say all the right things.  We went to a club where I promptly met the lead singer of Nickelback.  And spent the evening talking to an impressive young man. 

As we walked into the club, and were standing around I noticed some girls coming onto to the guy I was talking to, B for short. Well he wasn't interested and was pretty sincere and adamant about not being into finding a girl like that. Well, she moved onto his buddy and he apparently had no such qualms.  At the end of the evening we were ready to leave and this girl was completely drunk, the friend says, "it's not about hooking up with her, it's just I can't leave someone in that state to fend for themselves" and we tracked down the friend and walked 4 city blocks about 10 times looking for her car.  At this point, I was not going to leave her to fend for herself either, but what was impressive was that the two guys that I was with were also very adamant about not leaving her either.  

Finally we found her friend, and the car and then B took me back to my hotel where he walked me up to my room, gave me an amazing and tender kiss goodnight, and left. Wow. He didn't try anything, he was the absolute gentleman!!  I was so very impressed with everything that I could not wait to see what the rest of the week held.

Vancouver Day 1

I flew into Vancouver last Sunday afternoon. It was cold and rainy, but a totally different kind of rain than what I am used to here in South Florida. For one, it didn't completely screw up my hair. Which in and of itself was shocking.  I get corralled onto a bus and we take off to our hotel. I notice a lot of activity and what seems to be a very youthful city. In appearances as well as the age of it's population. Something I noticed almost immediately upon disembarking the plane was the high concentration of Asians. Well, duh, it is the Pacific NW. So of course, there aren't going to be any of the usual ethnicities that I am accustomed to seeing.

Back on the bus, we are chugging along to the hotel, and I get dropped off at the entrance where i am met by a representative of the conference. I check in and to the 14th floor to an amazing suite.  I walk around, go to the hospitality suite and realize, hey, I have time to go to the gym and go for a run. So I do just that.

the reception was held at a different property so we loaded up on a bus again and head over to the other side of the waterfront area. The seafood that they are serving at this shin dig is absolutely some of the best I have ever had.  The salmon w/sea salt and the freshest sushi.  I even tried the oysters on the half shell as I had not tried that before, and while it was not my favorite, the freshness of the oysters was apparent in the fresh lemony flavor that they managed to impart.

I found my partner in crime and started making plans to carry over the party to a local drinking establishment but at about 8pm local time the bottom fell out of my time zone.  Jet lag hit me like a sack of day old non-core rolls and I went back to my hotel where I promptly fell asleep. I was so tired that i slept through my 5am wake up call.  I still managed to get up in time for the day's activities. Which included some brain storming on various obstacles that we all may have faced at some point and an attempt to use co-creation to overcome these hurdles.  It was a good team building experience. 

I then had the wonderful fortune to be able to meet Patti.  She drove up from WA and we met and had coffee and tea for a couple of hours. I found her to be absolutely charming and engaging and absolutely the same in person as she is online.  My only regret is that we did not have enough time to stay together and go shopping or some other fun activity. Of course, I was talking to some young cute Canadian construction workers at the time when she arrived.  But that's another blog.

Vancouver Trip

I am sure that this trip will generate many posts. There was a lot to write about.

It is definitely a beautiful city.  I imagine that I would have liked to have spent more time there.  I was also impressed by the Canadian men. I mean, for someone like me, who likes the "white" boys, well, you can't get any whiter than Canada. 

But what impressed me most about the people I met, was the attitude. It is hard to verbalize, but I definitely feel like they were real, and not like the some of the playah's you have down here.  

in fact, I am constantly in awe of the radical differences.  I could go on and on, but truthfully, I am tired. I am sure that I will have time later to reflect more.

First day of school

I always take the first day of school off. Well, I don't think I actually did last year, but Jon was in 5th grade and Ant was going to the high school that he always has gone to.

But this year was different. Shyanne started kindergarten. So of course, I had to take the day off.  I cried when I dropped her off, of course, not in front of her.  But, afterwards.

So, I am sitting there waiting in car pool lane to pick her up and I am looking at all the other obviously stay at home mom's and think to myself, that is just so not me.  I love my daughter dearly, but I have no desire to be one of those volunteer mom's and hang out in her class room or go to the school assembly's, but I do want to see her experience that stuff.

Ah, and the year begins.

By the way, I am ok with me as a mom.  I think it's great that there are mom's like that out there. I just wish I knew a mom more like me.

Nip Tuck

How did I never see this show??  I have asked this repeatedly the last few days. It is not at the top of my netflix queue.  

I want a tummy tuck and a boob lift now for sure!!

Experiences

Each experience brings something new to the table. Something that we were not previously aware of in ourselves. Whether or not we use these experiences to benefit and learn from is up to us.  I want to believe that I am the type of person who does that. And no matter what the negative outcome, I will have he fortitude to somehow find what golden nugget and use even the most depressing event to somehow impact myself in a positive way.

I guess I somehow lost sight of this and don't want to do that again.  Remember where you have been and where you are going. Happiness comes from within and not the actions of those around you. Something else I somehow forgot along the way.  As I sit here and listen to the rain fall down from this tropical storm, I decided that only I can choose my course, my destiny. No one else. And if what I choose to do today isn't what someone else thinks I should do, well, that isn't my issue, that's theirs.

Remember this.

Things that aren't worthy of their own blog.

Since when is the trampoline an olympic sport? I suppose it's better than curling. 

Who the hell is Tim Dagget and why is he an expert in gymnastics.

My knee feels ok after working out to Taebo. It was the first time. I did it ok, but I still felt it.

Did they feel it necessary to interrupt General Hospital so many times to tell us that it is still raining by Tropical Storm Fay.

I hate feeling foolish.

My horoscope for today

Daydreaming about your future is like playing pretend -- fun, but not productive.

Seriously? What the fuck is up with that horoscope. Holy shit, i need to stop reading this crap. Either that or stop daydreaming. 

What I Want

“Josh: All I'm saying is, if you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop to get a beer.
Donna: If you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for red lights.”

This is what I want. The sentiment expressed here is what real relationships are based on.  This is what I am talking about.  I do know that I believe it still exists.  I just wonder if it's guaranteed to everyone.  

My Date

Was great. And no, I didn't rhyme on purpose. 

It was. He is hot and like I said, either the world' s best player or an extremely mature and sincere guy.

So, I continue to proceed with caution and remain guarded.

That is all.

Weird Tax and Audit Guys

I came to the conclusion the other day that the people who go into the Tax and Audit field are the people who in high school were the kids most likely to be picked on or harrassed on a regular basis. You know the kids who got their lunches dumped, or the kids who had the kick me sign on their back.

Yep. Those kids have grown into our Tax and Audit Dept. In particular, creepy tax manager. Dude, this guy gives you a look with a smile that makes Heath Ledger's rendition of the joker seem like a cartoon character. Honestly, dude. I had the misfortune of having this idiot sit in a desk not far from mine. They moved him and I thought, victory is mine!! I can go back to walking regularly rather than succurying by in order to reach my desk unscathed by his weird ass look. Luckily, for me, he would be sleeping 5 times out of 10 that I walked by, so I only had to scurry 1/2 of the time.

I wonder if narcolepsy falls under ADA protection?

80's Dance Music and the 80 Year old

Well, actually my grandfather is more like 84. But the other day when I was dropping off the DD and the pooch as I walked through the garage (yes, the man still smokes like a chimney and really at this age, smoke away I say) to say hello, and go into the house I noticed that Papa was listening to 80's dance music. Trenere to be more specific. Well, that's odd I thought as he is usually listening to some spanish talk radio that goes on and on and the unjustices done to Puerto Ricans. 

No, I must have heard wrong. I go into the house, ask my mother, why there is 80's dance music (of which I am a fan no doubt) on in the garage. She said, IDK, maybe it was an accident. Perhaps. So mow, I am perplexed, I go out into the garage again, and yep, it's Trenere for sure and the is just sitting there smoking a cigarette, looking out the open door and listening to this.

I go back inside, and confirm for all, that yes, the 84 year old is indeed listening to the music of my youth.  I get coffee, say my goodbyes and leave. Now Expose is on. Clearly, this was not a mistake.

And I realized, I liked 80's dance music, esp. Expose.  Ahh, good times.

Men and Relationships

Hah, so I had a typo as I typed in the title.....Realationships.  Which of course was probably Freudian, because we all want a real relationship. One based on trust, consideration and respect. And yes, who are we kidding, we want the sparks, the attraction, you want to feel good about the person you are with physically and emotionally.

But if you have always fucked up in this area, then how to get to that. How do you get to where you have complete trust in someone else. For me, it is examining what went wrong in the past and learning from it.  Which isn't always easy, but when it comes down to it, I could just be like Opposite George (ala Seinfeld).  

I said last night that I consider myself the eternal optimist.  I get knocked down by love and it may take me awhile to get up and dust myself off, but I inevitably always do.  It's almost like breathing, an uncontrolled physical response.  I also fashion myself like Samantha, from Sex and the City, but I think that there may a little Charlotte in me as well.  Which leads me to hope, hope that eventually, I will find that someone for me.  My tv comparisons are never ending.

And don't get me wrong, I am very happy in my own skin and life, and don't peruse the personals. This isn't a quest to find Mr. Wonderful. I would hope that Mr. Wonderful would pop up when you least expect it. Timing however, is everything.

Which leads me to today. Or rather tomorrow. I have a date. And I could think of a million reasons why I shouldn't go. Why I KNOW it will only end eventually and how this date is so out of my box and my comfort zone, and so totally not at all what I would think of when I think of a potential boyfriend.  But then, last time I checked, I was not a fortune teller or a psychic. I do have good instincts, however, and so my instincts say, proceed, but with caution. Because as easily as it could go wrong, it could go right.  It could turn into nothing.  Or it could be wonderful.  

I am after all, the eternal optimist.

The Neighbor

Seriously, gives me enough material alone for this blog.  The newest thing.

My apartment complex, yes, the ghetto fabulous of Weston, has decided to FINALLY fix the concrete on many of the curbs. You know the curbs where the idiots who don't know how to park have hit repeatedly and through time has broken or cracked. Well, for the low, low price of super inflated South Florida rent you too can enjoy the luxuries of having to almost break your ankle when you walk out of your car and trip over said curb. Multiple curbs really.

Anyway, I guess the bozo's here finally had enough money from skimping on NOT GIVING ME  A NEW DISHWASHER AND STOVE, digression sorry, and have managed to cobble together enough to "reconcrete" these curbs. They used the cones to mark the area that is "wet concrete" well, Ms Wonderful Neighbor decided that she is going to use said cone to block that parking spot so that no one will park in it. And the morons that surround me didn't park in the spot! Well, to hell with that I did, and then she admitted it to me. Because I took her spot?!?!  Hello Ms Missouri 1983, there aren't assigned parking spots. 

*sigh* yea, I pretended to think she was so ingenious.  Really, I just wanted to get home. And it's easier to politely comment than anything else.

In other random parking news, apparently the new young and hot police officer that now lives here thinks he can park on the curb illegally.  cool.

At work restrooms

My company owns the entire building that we are in.  I am on the third floor.  Am I the only one who has some public restroom pet peeves??  I mean really, I can't be the only one who feels like this.

For example, if there are 6 stalls in the entire bathroom and it is empty, except for me, WHY MUST YOU CHOOSE THE STALL NEXT TO MINE.  Honestly people.  Do you want to be right next to a person as they relieve themselves. I certainly don't, thus my always choosing the farthest one if possible.

Secondly, don't talk to me once I close the door. Really, pretend that the doors go up to the ceiling. Because I can multi-task, but that is one place I don't want to!!

Third, yes, there are more than two.  Don't take stuff into the stall with you. Unless it's your purse and you are hanging it on the hook. The floor is not an appropriate place for paper, pens, calendars or anything else other than your feet.

Fourth, courtesy flush. Enough said.

And that ladies and gents ends my public bathroom rant.

don't get me started on the talking on the cell phone in the stall.

Teenagers

My mom says we were the same way.  I of course remember it differently, however, I can remember being annoyed and trying desperately to hide that fact from my parents because I didn't want them to think that was annoyed. Because then I would be accused of having an attitude. And as I have been told about a million times, I have no poker face. My emotions show all over my face, all the time.

Well, my son has inherited that skill from me. I don't know that he views it in a positive light, but his emotions show all over his face. And I have to remember that it isn't personal, it's just a teenage thing. But that is so difficult to do in the moment.  The same arguments I had with my parents I am now having with him. As my wise friend E told me, it's inevitable that we become our parents. 

Well, maybe it is, but I am only go to allow it go so far.

Opening Ceremony

Yea, so apparently the opening ceremony was amazing.  I wouldn't know because I didn't watch it.  And I don't even really care. I have a big problem with the Olympics being in China.  

But I do want to support our athletes and my daughter likes gymnastics, so I will watch.

And then they did a story on Dara Torres.  She is like my age, or close to it.  And her body. wow.

of course, she is/was/has trained for the Olympics. THE OLYMPICS for God's sake. So, I guess I should not really compare myself to an OLYMPIC ATHLETE, regardless of her age.

It just goes to show that as usual, Jodie is right.  Your body will do anything your mind tells it to.

John Edwards

My heart is broken.  Not because he cheated, I have my opinion on that, but basically it isn't my business.

My heart is broken because this country in their blind stupidity will allow one of the most progressive people to slip into oblivion. This was a politician who sincerely cared about the little man.

And the little man, with their little minds, will not accept this.  Sad, because we could use leaders like him. Leaders who weren't afraid to challenge the establishment in order to promote the greater good. For society as a whole, not just for the wealthy.

Finally seeing some light at the end of the tunnel

For the longest time now, ever since Kim died, I suppose, I have felt very unsteady. I had described it as staring into an abyss and floundering. Treading water, because I felt as if I had no purpose, no goal, nothing. What is life, but a passage of time that we mark, and does any of it really matter if once it's over, you are gone, and you stuff gets divided up amongst those who loved you but are left behind.

It's been a dark hole that I have been in and I can't help but tear up when I actually describe it in writing. My children, have been the saving grace in all of this for me. Because they don't understand that mommy wants to stay in bed all day.  They don't understand the creature comforts of sitting inside of the house all weekend. So for them, I managed to wake up everyday and move somewhat zombie like through my existence.  

After this past week, however, I have had a reawakening.  I feel as if I am ready to forge ahead with my life.  40 is just around the corner and rather than contemplate all of the things I wanted to accomplish by this age and haven't I choose to focus on what I have accomplished.  A lot of it really is how you look at things. But you can't change your outlook, until you are ready to.  People can talk to you until they are blue in the face.  Until YOU are ready to forge ahead, until YOU have decided that enough is enough, you won't.  Like I have said on my weight loss blog, I can't control a lot. For a control freak, that could be disheartening.  Instead, I choose to focus on what I CAN control.  One is what direction I choose to head out in. I can also choose how I view things and events in my life.  So, this control freak is going to do just that.

Church Lady Judgements

I always love getting called out for something I said or did. But, honestly, judgments bother me.  I guess I hold people to the same standard I hold myself and I would never judge someone based on how they decide to live their life.

Of course, I have been to enough therapy sessions to say that I was only upset for all of 5 min and then I realized that we are all different and not everyone has to like the way I live my life. Piss on them.  Even my mother said that whatever I am doing, and it isn't always what she agrees with, but whatever I am doing, I must be doing something right because, her words "Those kids adore you" So to let some random WWer think that her words have an affect on me, not happening. Not in my lifetime.

So why, you may wonder, do I feel the need to reaffirm this in writing.  Somehow, having someone spew such violent vitriol towards me makes me feel the need to cleanse myself of their hatred.  

I am proud of how I live my life. I don't need to justify it to anyone. 

Lazy

I guess they really are the lazy days of summer, because I have been so lazy this summer. I have no desire to do anything. Truly.

I go to work, obviously because I have no choice there, but that's about it.  In an effort to be less lazy, I am going to go out with the girls this saturday night. Again, because I really have no desire to do so, but once I am dressed and out I usually have a good time.

That and I want to go to a place where there will be lots of people watching.  So we shall get dressed up and go out, where some poor schmuck will be fascinated by my exotic ethnicity and buy me a drink, me knowing the entire time that I have no desire to be with this doofus.  Either that or a really good looking guy will buy me a drink in the hopes that I will blow him in the car. Hah, that always cracks me up, so I guess the going rate for a blow job is $12 give or take (the cost of a drink).  Yes, my friend, good luck with that one, because unless you are Patrick Dempsey from my facebook page or Josh Willengham a blow job ain't happening.  I tell you what, you go down first, then I will finish. Hah, and if you believe that I have some property in the Everglades I want to sell to you.

Ok, so this post went from talking about the lazy days of summer to the ridiculous notion that men have about women and blow jobs. Hmm, that's pretty much par for my course.

In other irrelevant news, I bought a pink and black doggie stroller. So now, I can take Sedona, the three legged wonder pooch, for walks. Because, I mean, really, how far of a walk do you think a three legged dog can do? She gets around great, but eventually, well, she only has three legs. I get tired after awhile and I have only two.

The Stereotypical Nosy Neighbor

Yep, I have one. Or her I should say.  I have lived here since the beginning of 2006 and she was already here. You know the one, she know everyone who moves in and out of the building. She know what is gong on with the building across the yard. Maybe because her lanai faces that building and is on the corner. And I have to walk past it EVERY time I want to get to my apartment.  

And she always has a comment.  About everyone. And it doesn't matter if I have a ton of groceries in my hands.  If you don't stop to chat, then in her eyes, you're rude. I know, because apparently I am the only one who stops to chat with her. Either that or she gives us all the same sob story. I do think I am the only who stops through, mainly because I am the only one in our quad that speaks English.  No matter, those foreigners are still rude, in her mind.  And to make this even more cliche she lives with her mom.

The latest news flash she had for me is that my teenage son has friends over when I am not home. Really, SHOCKING! Yea, I know that, they are teenagers.  That's what they do. Because you come from some cornfield where teenagers don't gather apparently.

I know the hispanic ethnicity and long hair freaks you out, yes, she actually said this, but this alone does not automatically make them gang members, ffs.

In other neighborhood news, a group of rather young and good-looking bachelor's have moved into the building.

False advertising

Apparently facebook places these little ad's on the side of your page based on what you have on your profile and page, and are specifically tailored to your interests. Well, they must have a special deal on the online dating ad's for single almost 40 year olds because that is what keeps popping up on mine. All different sorts of sites.

The latest had a picture of Patrick Dempsey as one of the guys looking for love. WTF?? Do they really think that there is anyone online even as remotely good looking as Patrick Dempsey. 

And if there was, don't you think that poor guy is inundated with responses.  That's how it is down here in beautiful South FLA. Unfortunately, guys like him are like Big Foot, often rumored to have been seen, but a true sighting is rare indeed. Women like me, also unfortunately, are a dime a dozen.

So enough Facebook with your deceptive and false advertising.

I really am Samantha

And my life often feels like a Sex and the City episode.  Well, there was the hot guy and the BJ

And now I have the cute and attractive short guy.  And like Samantha, I am not really sure how I feel about that.  It is completely and utterly superficial of me and totally vain. But I think we have already discussed that I can be both of those things, and I am ok with it most of the time.

But this guys seems so sincere that it almost makes me feel bad blogging about it here. Almost, but not quite  What's a girl to do.

Why are guys so predictable??

I go out with the girls last night, something we haven't done in awhile. And we wind up walking around downtown hollywood, which is a pretty cool and different area. Way different than downtown Ft. Lauderdale and definitely different the the Hard Rock.

Well, of course the one night I go out in like oh, I don't know, this year, of course, it happens to be completely dead. However wowza, get a load of the hot guy working the bar. We go in, one thing leads to another and we are in the back office, late at night.

No, I didn't have sex with him, and I was ok with all that happened but the more I think about it the more I think, eh, no dude, I am not ok with it. I changed my mind. Guys can be predictable then woman are allowed to change their minds.

Actually, though, nights like last night, are really fun and reminded me of why I like being single. It really was a Sex and the City episode. 

And yea, I am Samantha.

deal with it.

In therapy related news

I have never been diagnosed with any disorder, OCD, anxiety, whatever.

In the two years that I have been going. Or maybe I just never asked.

So maybe I am not as crazy as I think I am.

Completely Gullible

Why is that I believe *everything* a certain someone says other than the fact that why would someone so far away lie about something?

But the bigger questions have to do with self esteem. Mine, of course, because being inherently self centered that is who I am going to be focused on. Why are my moods based upon the amount of attention that I get from someone that I am interested in?? It shouldn't be, and based up my new janet jackson philosophy it totally shouldn't. 

And yet it is.  NTS: work on that.

I am strong and capable in all areas of my life except this one. Truly, and yet, no matter how many times I say, not again, I allow again to happen. And I think that I am just more upset at myself for even caring about the situation.

Ugh, emotionless sex is NEVER emotionless. Another NTS. Truly.

In related news, I have decided that boy toys are just an option at this point in time. I will advise if that development changes.

In other related news

I find Dustin Pedroia extremely attractive for some reason. 

I also have another new potential boy toy.

Amy Winehouse

is again in the hospital. I must be completely out of touch because all I know of this woman is her drama and her constant abuse of something.

And they have her on the yahoo main page. To wit, my 5 year old DD says, is that you? It looks like you mommy.

Great, just what I want to hear at this point in time.

Thanks honey. Go back to your room and leave mommy to her vodka.

Podcast

Oh my. How have I been cut off from this genre of information overload.

Holy cow. I have so many to choose from. NPR downloads for free. Sweet.

<<--------obviously has been technologically challenged for much too long.  maybe I should have my own podcast.

Randomness with Rita

Obama's Speech in Berlin

So I just heard a clip from his speech.  

I actually have some hope. I usually am apathetic about the ability to change the political process and the old guard that I have experience first hand.

I like to think that I am more informed than most of the public.  And I am. But if you listen to this man speak, you can hear in his voice the conviction with which he runs for office. 

Oh, my...side tangent field trip.

"It's easier to label people when they don't agree with you"  A caller from the Stephanie Miller show, that I listen to on podcast every day. He said this to her after she called him a "right winger".  Um, hello dude, how about when people who don't agree with the current administration get called unpatriotic, or terrorists.

I suppose that is ok.  

Back to Barack.  He has great speech writers.  Ah, the cynic in me is back.

But, I do believe, that we (society collectively) have more in common than differences.  I believe that if we come together, if we pay attention to what is going on more than 5 feet in front of us, that we have the strength and courage that it takes to put us back on the right track.  We need to do this, for ourselves, for our country and for our children.  If people would focus on our commonalities rather than our differences then I truly believe that we can fix this. 

Or not.

My date

We had a nice time. Went to dinner in Ft. Lauderdale and then we went on a boat ride in the inter-coastal.  Which I love to do. I love riding up and down the water and being outdoors like that.  So it was a nice surprise.

And he was a perfect gentleman. Hugged me at the door and said goodbye.

And of course, I had absolutely no sparks.  Which people tell me is a good thing. 

I have to say, it was nice to not be gaga and just enjoy myself.

In other news, my Red Sox and Marlins keep losing.

Air Conditioner

I posted a question about AC and who has it and who doesn't have it. I was fascinated by the topic for some strange reason.

In that same vein, I came to find out that most people in Southern california.

If that is the case, why did everyone in Top Gun sweat so much? Even when indoors. It appears that there were big fans all over and no air conditioner.

Don't get me wrong, all those dude, all hot and sweaty!! Yumm-O

But why??

It's the weekend!!

My Sat plans:

gymnastics with DD aka the littlest bloodsucker

errands

date.  some enthusiasm for this would be nice too.

Maybe I just lack overall enthusiasm.  Or maybe I need medication.

off I go.

Date this Sat night

Yes, so it is official. I have a  date on Sat night. I wish I were excited about it.

But, I am not. Truth is, really, I am not. On paper, he seems really great. Politically thinks along the same lines that I do, good dad, nice guy, decent looking.

But, but...there is something lacking. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's just that I get sooooo little time with my kiddos that I don't want to waste a perfectly good evening without them. 

or maybe, I just miss Steve. Or maybe I just like someone else. Who lives, oh I don't know about 2000 miles away.

Either way. I hope I find some excitement for Sat. 

The MVD Story

"IT" has impacted my life so much I figure I might as well tell the story. Maybe then some of the other shit will make sense to you. It mostly makes sense to me due to my 2 years of therapy. Let me preface by saying that.

Rewind 2 years, almost to the day. I have been single for awhile and I was actual getting accustomed to it. I was working out, lost some weight and all of that and I had signed up for online dating, but I really wasn't into it.

And then I got a message from Him.  I liked the profile and the fact that he was very well spoken, etc. Not to mention from Boston, and his job, oy.

We met, in the middle of a hurricane warning. Truly. The hurricane didn't hit, at least not that night. We went out the next night and he invited me to go to Martha's Vineyard to visit the family compound.  It was  literally love at first site. For him, he said.  And honestly for me too.

He was Josh to my Donna. A West Wing reference.

Anyways, it was an amazing weekend, which included flying to Boston to meet his sister and her family.  He even took me to several jewelry stores, had my finger measured and took notes of what kinds of jewelry I liked.   I came home, had a harrowing plane ride home (that's another post all together) and talked several times while he was gone.  He came back and we continued seeing each other, plays etc. One conversation goes like this, "so, I am thinking of going back to school to eventually to go law school.

Him: "well, that's great, but you should wait until next year, because you will have your hands full this upcoming year, we need to find a house for us, and we need to plan the wedding."

We even looked at wedding locations.

Fast forward a few weeks, he gets a cold but arranges to come over in the morning to take my car to get tires. Oh, yea, did I mention that he is ridiculously wealthy. yea, that too.

We go our merry ways to work, and he calls me later on that night that he went to the Dr. and was staying with a friend up in WPB.. ok. Call me later.  

The next day: I don't hear from him. I figure, he has the flu, he is resting, etc. I call him, no answer, I leave a voice mail. About 15  min later I get a text message that reads:

I am so sorry, but I can't do this. You demand too much and I cannot date you anymore. I am on a plane out of town. I am sorry.

What?? Really?? 

So I call.  and I call. and no answer.  And no answer. This is Thursday night.

Friday, I call and make an appointment with a therapist.  I get an email from him, basically saying that I demand too much, and I need therapy.  He loves me but can't be with someone like me.

That's the MVD story.  

Yes, it was hard. But I am over it.  

Joyous Hallelujah

My ipod has been restored!!

In other random events that piss me off

my ipod isn't working.

Isn't the point of a boy toy

It isn't the first time I have entertained a boy toy, or even the possibility of one. But when they become more needy than you, well then, isn't the point of having one defeated.

Because if I wanted to have to invest time and energy into the relationship then I would choose a more suitable partner for my life and life style. Because dude, when you call me more times in a day then anyone in my family, well, that's just too much.

In other dating news, since I lazily clicked invite my ENTIRE address book to face book, yea, now "they" are crawling out of the woodwork. The guys who didn't work out, yea....getting voice mails that all begin and have the common theme

"hey, saw you invited me to facebook, that's great, would love to catch up"

oy, that will teach me.

and no, MVD dude ISN'T one of those. That is probably a good thing!

Because we can't just coast for awhile

I just got the news that my dad has to have a pacemaker put in on monday.  Everyone is telling me that it is routine, that a lot of people have them and go on to live long and elderly lives.

It helps, some, but jesus, can I catch a small break. You think?  Like, more than one consecutive month of random boredom.  I won't complain about the lack of excitement and will be more than happy to realize that a few weeks pass by unnoticed.  

After Mon, that is what I am going for.

I think I am truly unbalanced.

It shouldn’t take 2 years to get over a 6 week relationship.

It just really shouldn’t. But apparently, for me, it does. I decided to start using a Facebook page for networking purposes. And so I did what any lazy instant gratifier would do, I clicked invite all addressee’s in my mailbox. So it did, and then it populated those individuals who currently had facebook pages corresponding to said email addresses.

And who show’s up but Martha Vineyard Dude. We shall call him MVD in an effort to remain succinct. So, out of morbid curiosity, I click on his page. WHY **banging head on desk repeatedly***** Why do I do that to myself????

HONESTLY (in your best Young Dr. Evil voice)

Back to my tale: so I click on his page and find, that MVD just went to Europe, and had quite an extensive stay there, multiple countries, multiple venues. The theatre in London. And in most of the pictures is a female companion. Hmm. You see, in the theatre that is my mind, he couldn’t be with me, not because of any “issues” that I may have had, but rather because I was simply the wrong gender and he had yet to admit it to anyone, including himself.

But, clearly, I was wrong. At least that is the conclusion I jumped to when I saw those pictures. Now, before you start to think, wow, this chick needs some major therapy, let me tell you that I have and do go to a therapist. This was precipitated by his dumping me via text message. And therefore have been in therapy for the last two years.

Back to my opening statement.

I could run through the myriad of possibilities and scenarios that is his life now. And completely analytically try to determine the how’s and why’s. I actually start to do that. But I won’t. I can’t. You have to play the hand you are given I suppose.

And that is what I intend on doing.

And isn't it ironic

that I spelled their wrong


in a blog about stupid people.

yup, here's my sign.

People and their stupidity

Constantly amaze me.

Recent email on our company email board, For Rent, Sale or Hire


I live in the Dallas area, and I am looking for a sitter for two of my children.... My daughter is 4 yrs. old, and My son is 2 yrs. old. It will be Monday - Friday only from 6:30 or 7am to about 6pm.... They are really good, well mannered kids.... I cant afford to pay much due to my circumstances...... Please if you are interested, or know of someone who might be, call me? Here's a picture of them....


Translation: I have two good kids (my completely biased opinion) that I need someone to watch while I go to work, because I don't want to put them in Day Care. Um, yea, I can't pay you a lot because I have issues, but look, here's a picture.

As if someone would say, hey, I want to completely and totally waste 5 days out of 7 taking care of someone else's kids because I think they are cute.

Really?? you really think that?

I almost want to respond to that.
ugh, people really are that stupid.

the craigslist phenomenon

I am supposed to be going to bed, but the ADD took over and instead of logging off the computer, 30 min here I am completely laughing my fucking ass off about the personals on craigslist.

Now, I am not a complete and total dweeb (do they say that word anymore?) I have heard of craigslit, and I even remember someone posting on the WW Core Board that it is the ONLY way to find a good apartment in the Boston area.  Apparently the classified ad's in the Boston Globe are utterly passe.  Anyway, I remember Soly saying that she pulled it up and found (wait for it)

erotica

Really? Of course, I was at work at the time and I couldn't go there because they have this stupid firewall and websense, whatever, I digress.

For some reason, I have craiglist saved in my popular bookmarks bar and I accidently clicked open each site in a separate tab. I begin methodically closing out these tabs, as, stay with me, i was only going to shut down so I could go to bed. Curiosity, better known as ADD, gets the best of me, and I am perusing the personals.

OMG, are these people for real. Do you mean to tell me that I live amongst these people and perhaps even have some in my office??  Because there just can't be people out there like that. Wait, wait, here is one for you reading enjoyment:

Seeking Cougar, 28, Davie

where are you? 
please send a pic and tell me why you like younger men 
i am alot of fun...love dancing,movies,going out to eat and giving massages

Another title: Dentist seeks slender blonde for fun evenings.

Oh. my. God.  I am totally ROFLMMFAO  I really, really am. 

Seriously, do you know how much blog material is available to me.

I so want to set up a fake email just to respond to these people.  I just might.

Of course, I would report back here.

Thanks to Jodie

I now want another tattoo.

But what and where?  I seriously like the idea of cherries on my butt cheek.

Then I can tell people to kiss my cherries.

heh.

In other news

I have a potential boy toy.

Are really so PC???

That we have lost sight of what true satire is??  I am referring to the latest cover of The New Yorker.

First let me say that I DON'T believe the nonsense that the right is spreading about Obama. I don't think that he a "secret" muslim and I intend on voting for him. I feel that what he offers is a true and refreshing new start.

Ok, so back to The New Yorker cover. Dude, that cover is funny. I completely expected the Obama camp to be offended. As so many are saying, they are supposed to come out and say that. But honestly, it play on our ridiculousness and our complete gullibility when it comes to anything unknown.  

That cover is showing us, that as a society, WE need to pay attention to the more important aspects of this campaign. And not to the distractions that the right politico machine is so famous for. They are famous for the whole Wizard of Oz "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain" in an attempt to distract us from the disaster that would behold our country should John McCain win Bush's third term.

And I think it's funny. I am not black and I laughed out loud. And guess what, I bet Barack and Michele did too (privately of course)

Sophie's Choice

Watched this movie for the first time today.

Oh

My

God.

I didn't see where it was going, at all. A great movie, though, no wonder Merril Streep has won an Oscar. 

However, I am now thoroughly emotionally drained and sad. Not the way I want to be this fine Sunday.

In other news, I got a new cage for the pooch, and she LOVES it.

lacking a sense of humor

My 16 year old says that I lack a sense of humor. That "everything" pisses me off and that I don't recognize playful banter.

Really???

Could it be that he is right.  I mean, other people, outside my family that is, recognize me for the witty and humorous gal that I imagine myself to be. So is it possible, that I am that controlling and uptight in the house, in  private, that he could be right.  

Could it be underneath what others see as strong, confident independent women really lies an insecure OCD bitch.  Probably a combination of the two.

Could it be that I am really a combination of the two??  And would a more relaxed, bantering mom relate better, make them listen more or lesson my stress level. Maybe. 

Or it could just be that he is a teenager and will take any contrary stand to me. One thing I am sure of, if he dislikes me or is frustrated by me, then I must be doing my job.

Can you eat duck eggs and are they core?

So it rains, like every freakin' day here in the summer. usually we have the mornings, but sometimes mother nature likes to fuck with us and have it rain all day.

Yesterday was one of those all day kind of days. 

I live in a ghetto fabulous apartment complex  of a very ritzy area called Weston.  My apt faces a lake, really quite nice, if it was not in a section of the EVERGLADES. Yes, I, Ms. Lefty Liberal live in a part of town that once was the Everglades. It has the best schools in the county what can I say. Anyway, I digress, as I am walking up the sidewalk to my apt my DD (Shyanne, 5 yo) notices that there is an egg in the grass.   Well, we live in the Everglades, on a lake, yea, there are about 5 million ducks usually milling about. I knew that one of the momma ducks had a nest of eggs in a bush by the AC but thought that they had hatched. So Shyanne wants to give the egg back to the momma duck. I could just see her chasing the duck, saying, "hey lady, you forgot one of your chicks".  

So, she puts it where the nest once was, and there it sits. Of course, we walk by this thing EVERY time we go to the car/pool/park/mailbox/grocery store. And she wants to know, why is the Mommy mad at her egg and why doesn't she get it.

Should I tell her it's because the egg asks too many questions?

Naw, I am not that mean. Not yet anyway =)

Cherish each moment

As I sit here and watch the DVD from our January family reunion I never imagined back then that I would be here 7 months later and not have my sister with us.  My DBF that is in the video is now my ex-DBF and my sister is gone.

7 months.

It isn't even a year. In what is a relatively short amount of time my life has completely changed. Each day is a gift. Unfortunately, I didn't know it back then. Hindsight is always 2020 isn't it. 

Strong Women=Single women

So I posted on the WW core board about this and  I had some interesting insight on it. 

One person said that perhaps I come across as "hard" or fiercely independent and that truly isn't what a guy wants, because if I am so independent then do I need him.

Which got me thinking even more. "Hard" is such a negative word. And one that I don't relish resembling.  I think that I am independent and I definitely don't think I come across as harsh. But just like we have body dysmorphia perhaps I have a skewed image of myself, in every way.

It just makes me wonder why I have no problem attracting guys for meaningless sex but can't seem to find someone who wants a relationship.  And a lot of the time I don't think I even care. But today wasn't one of those days. Today I care. Today I wonder is it true, that men don't want strong independent women? 

Or is it me? 

Perfumes etc in the workplace

First let me say that I hate "that" person. You know, the one who bitches and moans about every little scent bothering them and setting their allergies off. I really do. If it's in excess, ok, I guess. But we have some people here who have signs hanging around their cubes and in the restroom area. Really? It's that bad, then take some medication. Honestly. (think Dr. Evil)

But today........that was me. I don't know what happened, but my allergies were driving me nuts all day. To the extent that I got a killer headache. And I know it was some freaky Tax Dept. person. Because whenever one of them, they are all freaks, walked by, my asthma would kick in.

I mean, really, do you need to bathe in the patchoulie cologne you got for Christmas. Because you have been wearing it EVERY FREAKIN DAY since New Year's.

And like, it doesn't help. Really.

***off to take a sudafed and collapse on the couch**

I miss Kimmie

especially at times like these. 

And...

I am leaving the pic up, it was from New Year's and I like the way I look in it.

So it stays.

In other ruminations, I really need to start walking and sign up to raise some $$ for that walk. Not to mention get back to school.

And today I have to go back to work. yee haw, how fun.

not so much.

In other random news

I really like the hats that the Red Sox are wearing today. A brighter blue and is that stars and stripes inside the B?

Meloncholy

You know the feeling, when your heart sinks into your stomach, and a huge lump forms in your throat and you can barely swallow.  That is the status of my psyche today.  Even though I know "it" was over before I went to Boston, it still makes me sad to have to face the reality of it. I have so many different things to feel emotional about right now. "It" is just one of those things.

I know I will miss Amanda, but at the same time I am excited to get back to the routine of my life. But I don't know what that routine is now. Before I had Steve to spend time with, and now I really don't.  And while I know it is the right thing to do, it makes me sad.

So I guess I should. Move on that is. An unchartered course is always scary, the unknown usually is. BUT, and I shall repeat this to myself often, you do not not what the future holds, nor do I know what path I shall take, but onward and forward I go.

Entourage Return WOOT!!

Mark your calendars ladies and gentlemen. September 7th is the day that Entourage begins showing new episodes. About fanfucking time.  I so love this show.

Ari is my jewish boyfriend.

And don't call me during the show.....MOM this means you!!

Unsettled

Someone said this to me today and it is an extremely descriptive word for me to use right now. I feel slightly unsettled. Post vacation depression I suppose.

Exercise, I was told, is a good remedy for when you are bummed out. So perhaps, I shall try that. Bike, here I come.

In the weather today,

They are going to have scattered showers and a high of 82 and a low of 61 in Boston this weekend.

no shorts at night.

And I imagine it will be cold at the racetrack in Loudon, NH

Scrolling headline

on the bottom of the screen. You know what I mean. On ESPN they show the scores of the baseball games. Since I am a sports fan, I am usually thankful for it. Because I have the Marlins, but I don't always get the Red Sox so it helps me to know their score. Or other pertinent sports information that I shouldn't have to wait until 11p Sportscenter to find out about.

Except when I am *watching* the Red Sox on ESPN. Then that scroll bar becomes redundant and extremely annoying. I mean, how many times do I have to read about Shaq going off on a mic in a club about Kobe.  Really, it's been how long, get over it dude.

And ESPN, that *really* isn't breaking news.

Americans annoyed by coworkers

A Good Morning America video clip said that a study was out that most Americans, they gave some random percentage, are annoyed by their coworkers and more specifically the catch phrases that they use.  Gee, ya think?

See, and here I thought that "Catch Phrases" was a requirement at Business School.

Finally admitted my OCD

Like you think it's a bad thing.

But, I have admitted my OCDness and embraced it. Yes, my CD collection is alphabetized. I have my shoes in their boxes and stacked by color in my closet. And I wear my clothes in order so as to not repeat that often.

I also have separate sections based on type of clothing etc. My bras are categorized by style. I also have my baseball caps, all 50+ of them, stacked and organized by color.  

as are my handbags.....i am ok with all of this.

So stop messing up my towel closet, kids.

Kimmie, I miss you.

I miss having you to talk to.  I see your daughter and talk to her and I want to talk to you about it. She and Anthony are getting to be so close, but that doesn't surprise me. I mean, they always have been. It isn't easy, but I feel like maybe I am helping her.

I wish I could talk to you about it. I wish that I had you here to bitch to about my job, my boyfriend, my inability to get off my ass and get some exercise.  I want to talk to you about Sex and the City and when oh when will we find our big.  I don't like being by myself in the middle.   And who do I have to talk to about Grey's.  Who can push me, spur me, tell me to keep on doing everything that I want to do. Tell me that I can be a lawyer. Tell me to finish my Bachelor's. 

I will do that. I will do that in your honor.

It seems like such a long time ago.  SO many things and times I didn't get to spend with you. The little things always seemed to take precedent and now, I can't even remember why I didn't drive up more often.

You never got to see my dog. She is so cute. You would have loved her.  Shyanne talks to you. Can you hear her?? She thinks you can, she actually has conversations with you.

My mom is having a hard time. I wish you could tell her you are ok. 

I know you want us to go on. And we are, life is funny that way. It's not like we get a choice. The sun comes up and sets everyday.  Whether we want it to or not.  I miss you.  And I promise, I will.  

Denali Commercial

seriously, does this guy annoy anyone else??

Because he annoys the shit out of me.

Can Alzheimers strike at 39

I have the best ideas for blogs when I am sitting in my car.  And of course there isn't time that I can write it all out. And then by the time I get home, yea, the thoughts are gone.  Of course, it doesn't help that I have the the two teenagers making a mess in the kitchen. Or God forbid that they fold the fucking laundry that has been in my hallway for 2 weeks now. And no, I do enough shit, it theirs, it can rot for all I care.

maybe it's the songs i listen to in the car. Or maybe its just that I have time to let my mind wander. In any event, that is when i have a lot of good ideas.

Or maybe they aren't good ideas and I just think that they are and I don't have any opportunity to write them down to see that they really suck.

And the laundry is still in the hallway. 

Sports and guys

Apparently there really are guys out there who don't know shit about sports. And why do I find them so intolerable.

HIM: So you going to catch a Red Sox game Stanley Park when you go to Boston or is baseball season.

ME  (thinking): First of all moron, it's Fenway Park, not even close to stanley and secondly....uh, baseball season is a SUMMER SPORT....the boys of the summer, why would it be over in June. 

ME: uh, no, it's Fenway, and baseball is just getting good.

Seriously, this annoys me. 

Fucking Red Sox

That is all.

The opposite sex

I don't think women and men will ever begin to totally understand each other. Oh, we try, do we ever. But the reality is that it seems we are always on cross roads.  I have read many books on the topic and see a shrink in an attempt to be as level headed as I possibly can when it comes to relationships and men.

But, for ever three steps forward I take, I always inevitably take one back.  I guess it's like weight loss as long as the trend is consistently downward and in the right direction I should be happy.

Eh......or maybe it is just too early to be philosophical about it. 

I am joining...

Jodie's I hate the show Jon and Kate plus 8 or whatever the fuck that show is.

Seriously, they have to do a marathon on it.  I mean, I know that I blog about what some people would perceive as random topics and I know I am not a celebrity, but seriously, I don't get paid to do this. This is my hobby.  I cannot believe they follow these people around with a camera.

Give me a camera when I go to Boston, that'll be one heck of a show!!

Maybe we are all aren't meant to be with someone.

Love.  Books are written. Shows. Heck Sex and the City, while not having the word Love in it's title, is really what the show is all about.

Oh, yea, there was tons of hot monkey sex. And it wasn't always good, remember Samantha with the guy with the little dick. You know, the one she waited to have sex with and she really cared for him.  Yea, that wasn't great sex, but there was lots of great sex.

But love, well love is fleeting and steadfast. At least in SATC and for Carrie. A contradiction in terms if ever I heard one. 

We are told as little girls, that we will meet our prince charming. Well, at least my generation was. I DON'T tell my daughter that.  My poor daughter has had a piss poor example of relationships.  Except the one she has with me. That is also steadfast.

But relationships with men.  I wait for my prince charming, or at least I used to.  When I met current DBF, I was totally NOT looking for him, or honestly even bothered by the fact that I hadn't had a boyfriend, not to mention sex, in months. Plural.  It was ok.  But then when we met, I thought, oh, we are both older now, so maybe...and I fell back into those old dependent behaviors.  But why? Why? Because I want and was looking for Prince Charming. And he fit the bill. I learned from all of my past relationship endeavors, failures sounds so negative.  I learned what I wanted, and I had this list. This all encompassing list that I was convinced, would never be filled.  I never imagined I would find someone who even met have of my requirements. Because the list was lengthy.  There really is a list. No, I won't post it now. Maybe later. It really deserves it's own blog.

So here I was, with Mr Prince Charming, 2008 and lo and behold, guess what. He really isn't. But is or was I fair in labeling him as such. I could go on and on about why I thought he was my Prince. But that is really irrelevant. What is relevant is that I forgot about me. That seems to be my dilemma. In order to find someone, you have to be yourself.  I like who I am, but how do I stay me when it's us?

I don't think that Prince Charming knows that answer either. Honestly, I have no clue what Prince Charming wants or doesn't want. It changes on a daily basis. Or maybe he doesn't and it's my tolerance level that changes. 

I remember at one point in SATC, saying, Big is "telling" Carrie what he wants and doesn't want, she just isn't listening. And so, I wonder, am I not listening. Or is it just not being said clearly. Or was I right when I first wrote, maybe there isn't someone for everyone.

We always hear, the following typical and tired cliches:

you will find him when it's right

...when you aren't looking

what is meant to be will be, he will come back to you, there is someone better for you...

What if what is meant to be, isn't anyone at all?  What if there isn't someone for everyone?  As it turns out there isn't and wasn't a "someone" for my sister.  I am ok, if that is the case.

Really.  It alleviates and leaves my mind unfettered which gives me the opportunity to pursue other thoughts. It allows me to be selfish, to raise my children my way and gives me freedom.

That's the positive spin of not finding and keeping love.

And I still don't know what I do and don't want.

jenny's little ditty

There once was a man from nantucket

Rita really tried to fuck it

but it was so damn small

made it easy to suck it!

I can't believe I never saw Reality Bites

One of the draw backs of marrying young I suppose. I couldn't relate to this movie at the time, and somehow almost 15 years later I can. I was 25 when this movie came out. This was my time. Except I was married and raising a baby and living in another generation at the time.  Two of my favorite lines:

Oh yea I win the Big Commitment Cookoff and  welcome to the land of the emotionally mature both by Winona after the she sleeps with Ethan Hawke.  I need to use those lines. 

Maybe Kim's death made me realize that I don't want to waste time of useless emotions. Emotions on a relationship that doesn't give me what i need are useless.  By ignoring it, I have and am giving it emotional energy and I don't have it to give.

Another great line: A planet of regret sitting on my shoulders. 

I mean who wrote this movie, and why haven't I seen it before!!

The things we do for love...I mean to lose weight

Dextox diets

fat pills

cleansing drinks

about a million different food plans

 purge, binge and a million other eating disorders.

ugh

Reading Jodie's Media blog

makes me remember what I used to want to be when I grew up.  I always had a penchant for the pen and paper. Now I just do it on a laptop. How cool to read all about that conference.  A conference sponsored by Air America. 

That's progressive radio .....the liberals answer to Rush and the other right wing crazies that they let onto the airwaves.  So, I read her blog with interest but with a smidgen of envy.  But with much more interest.  As I am older, I can remember well, I can't really, but I can remember reading about a media that most considered liberal. Now, they are just corporate.

There used to be a time where the media prodded Joe Q Public into contemplating the governments decisions and not just contemplating but participating in the public discourse.  I long for a day such as that again.  I had goals to be this trailblazing and traveling reporting unearthing injustices across America and making the world a better place.

Wow, that was digression if I ever saw it. Go read Jodie's blog. It rocks.

What's up with the wanna be Lance Armstrongs?

All the time, in the morning, usually during rush hour. I mean, what the fuck is wrong with you people. Wearing tight black shorts, the entire getup and traveling in packs.  Like the frickin' wildebeasts in Lion King.

On a two lane road that has no bike lane. It's like you freaks have a death wish. Oh, don't get me wrong, I love bike riding. 

But riding, and seeing the world around me and enjoying the outdoors. These people think they are fucking France or something.

Ugh, one of these days I am not going to swerve. 

War Protests

I love it. As I am driving home a bunch of local high school students, probably 25 or so standing on the corner with a bunch of homemade signs holding them up and waving at cars. Some highlights:

Bush lied, thousands died

Honk for Peace

and my favorite:

If you aren't pizzed then you aren't paying attention.

dude.

Nose Picking in the Car

So, I have a bad habit of doing this. And as I was leaving work today, I did it. of course I did it, because there was a really cute guy driving behind me. And I saw him looking at me and vainly thought, wow, cute guy checking me out.

No moron, he thinks you are gross because you just picked a boogie and flicked it ala Megg.  And my next thought,

wow.....can't wait to blog about this.

Don't touch my stuff

Let's be clear. I probably don't set a good example for my kids. I HATE when people mess with my stuff. Truth be told, who actually likes it. I mean, we are all told as kids to share, etc. 

But we are also told to respect other people's private property. Well, I cannot stand when my children touch my stuff. And for the most part they respect that. My oldest DS is finally trained enough that he at least calls and asks.

HOWEVER, my darling niece never got that lesson apparently, all things are within her domain and I have asked her not to touch. And she always has a reason.

Ugh.

Miss my DBF

Had a birthday party for my DD today. All the family was there and I had it in WPB, so it was easy for DBF to come and bring his kids, which he did. And it was great. And I realized when he was leaving that it might be another week before I would see him again...

and realized that I missed spending time with him.  Really. 

Our relationship started out quick and we became a couple relatively quickly last year. But he didn't want to feel like he was in a marriage where he had to check with me for every little thing and I was ok with that.  I wanted to be with him, and if that meant taking it a little slower, then I was ok with that too.  

But, I am starting to think that I am not ok with it. It took me awhile to get to the point where I thought I was ok. And today made me realize, I want more. I don't want to be married or anything, because I really don't think I am ready for all that that would entail, but I do want more than what we have now.  And I have been dealing with so many other things in my life, that I am realizing it now. 

And I don't know what to do about it.  When is life going to get easier. 

It also makes me wonder, when do I get taken care of?

How do I help this child?

And she really isn't a child. My niece that is. She is 18. But she is going through what is a life altering event. And living with me. Which I am so extremely thankful for. And stressed about.

And I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HELP HER! Oh, I know all the platitudes and cliches to say. And I know how to hug her and talk to her. And my children are very happy to have her here as well.  

But what do I say when she is crying because she lost a key charm that her mom gave her. Something of great sentimental value.  Because that is what happened last night.  And I was a complete and total loss.  I mean, I know I would be hysterical. And I am a grown 39 woman and I know that I would be that way about losing something.  My sister's things give her great comfort.  And events like this are going to happen. I wish I could find it for her. My heart breaks for her.  Her mom was such a big part of her life and I know that the hole I feel feels as it it won't heal, so how must she feel.  

All I can do is just hug her and tell her that her memories are with her, and that it's ok.  What else could I say or do.

Sex and the City

Crystal and Jenny are fabulous!!!  

I apparently am technologically challenged, ala Carrie in SATC, and cannot determine how to post the pics from last nights outing.

This is the first time in a long, long, long time that I had fun and actually enjoyed myself. Kimmie would have been proud.

SATC--not a spoiler

but how long will I have to refrain from talking "publicly" about the details of the movie. I know it just came out yesterday, and FYI---it was amazing, if you were a fan of the show then you will love, abso-fucking-lutely love the movie. 

Seriously.

But, how long until I don't have to preface every conversation about it with, "did you see It yet?"

Because it will get old after awhile.

just sayin'

and they say that in the movie too. hilarious I tell ya.

Dog farting

OMG, for real?  This dog not only makes the most stinkiest smelliest farts, but they actual make noise. Sounds like the air being let out of a tire. I know, cause she just threw one.

Holy cow, no wonder the cat doesn't want to be near her.  Speaking of the cat, still alive and kicking. Thankfully.

The Three Girls

Ok, I am super excited. Crystal, Jenny and I are going to hang out tomorrow and Friday!!!!!!

house is really funny

Hugh Laurie that is.  he is on Leno talking about banning bottled water.

My biggest pet peeve and has been for YEARS. We are one of the lucky countries to have potable drinking water and we buy it.

seriously.

no wonder our country is so fucked.

Random Thoughts on Daytime TV

It's Memorial day......thanks to the soldiers, etc.  Seriously.

I am not at home during the day, usually. And when I am I usually allow my DD to watch Disney channel. However, she is in her room today and I am in the living room doing chores, etc. Channel surfing.

My random thoughts on daytime tv. Yes, General Hospital is currently on, but watching it live means watching the commercials. I will wait until it DVR's and then watch it.

In the meantime, I realized that OMG, Rachel Ray is FREAKIN' Annoying.  On her 30 minute show, she is mildly annoying. Sometimes even tolerable and cute. However, on her talk show...I seriously threw up a little in my mouth. I had to change the channel. I couldn't watch. 

And when did TLC (The Learning Channel, right?) become reality show central. I mean, they have a family of 8 and follow their day to day. For Christ's sake, get my video camera out, perhaps I am a superstar in the making and I don't even know it.

BBC network is running a Monty Python marathon. Eh, I get and like British humor, but a marathon's worth. Naw, I was looking for you are what you eat. 

And about a bajillion movies all already started, I so hate watching a movie once it's started.

Back to laundry I guess.