Finally seeing some light at the end of the tunnel

For the longest time now, ever since Kim died, I suppose, I have felt very unsteady. I had described it as staring into an abyss and floundering. Treading water, because I felt as if I had no purpose, no goal, nothing. What is life, but a passage of time that we mark, and does any of it really matter if once it's over, you are gone, and you stuff gets divided up amongst those who loved you but are left behind.

It's been a dark hole that I have been in and I can't help but tear up when I actually describe it in writing. My children, have been the saving grace in all of this for me. Because they don't understand that mommy wants to stay in bed all day.  They don't understand the creature comforts of sitting inside of the house all weekend. So for them, I managed to wake up everyday and move somewhat zombie like through my existence.  

After this past week, however, I have had a reawakening.  I feel as if I am ready to forge ahead with my life.  40 is just around the corner and rather than contemplate all of the things I wanted to accomplish by this age and haven't I choose to focus on what I have accomplished.  A lot of it really is how you look at things. But you can't change your outlook, until you are ready to.  People can talk to you until they are blue in the face.  Until YOU are ready to forge ahead, until YOU have decided that enough is enough, you won't.  Like I have said on my weight loss blog, I can't control a lot. For a control freak, that could be disheartening.  Instead, I choose to focus on what I CAN control.  One is what direction I choose to head out in. I can also choose how I view things and events in my life.  So, this control freak is going to do just that.